Making Peace With Not Getting A Hallmark Ending

Making Peace With Not Getting A Hallmark Ending

We all want a Hallmark movie ending. Sometimes though, it’s not in the cards.

Days before Christmas Day 2021 my last grandparent died. It was my maternal grandmother. The weekend before, I had tried to go and see her as we knew she wasn’t going to last much longer. I bought the plane tickets and reserved a car.

But I was given the message she was refusing to see me and if I showed up at the nursing home I would be turned away.

To my knowledge, I’d never done anything that would warrant this. I felt hurt and conflicted. I wanted the chance to say goodbye and this would be my only chance. Grandma was leaving instructions that there was to be no funeral, no graveside service. No gathering of any kind.

The truth is, my grandma was difficult in many ways. Many of my siblings have had no relationship at all with her because she couldn’t be bothered to have a relationship with them and show up. Some only saw her once, at our brother’s funeral. As the oldest grandchild, I had more of a relationship with her than most. But even for me, she couldn’t be bothered to show up for my wedding.

There are good memories too.

Image by Lubos Houska from Pixabay

When I was a little girl, it was my grandma who showed me the world of books. She and her husband had previously owned a used book store that closed, and many of the books found a home in their home. Every wall in their house was lined with books. Every time Grandma came to visit she brought boxes of books. I was a struggling reader. She shared Nancy Drew books with me and I was hooked for life. Nancy Drew was eventually followed by Agatha Christie and then I moved on to biographies.

To this day, one of my greatest joys is a good book. It brings me so much happiness. Reading has opened new avenues and ways of thinking, helped me dream and move forward in life, and escape for a few hours when life becomes too much. It’s one of the greatest gifts she gave me.

I didn’t get a Hallmark movie ending with my grandmother.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

A lot of times with family we don’t.

So what do we do when that happens?

We take the time to mourn the relationship that never was and then recognize the good things that the relationship brought us. Even in the worst ones, there’s something. My grandmother’s refusal to see me? It reemphasized how I did not want to be a grandmother like her should I ever become one. It made me hold my kids closer.

I’m grateful for that reminder even if …

I didn’t get the closure I wanted.

Our relationship was strained.

I was left fumbling around with grief I didn’t know what to do with.

Advocacy Is Imperative for a Special Needs Parent

Advocacy Is Imperative for a Special Needs Parent

What does it take to awaken the advocacy mama bear in me?

When we lived in Alaska and Washington State, I spent a lot of time advocating for those with special needs. I testified before a state committee, appeared on television, picketed the state disability offices, provided help to families with Individual Education plans (IEPs), and formed a group that worked on helping those with disabilities be heard and get what they needed, and getting a special needs PTA up and running. We moved to Mississippi and 6 months later COVID started. I haven’t been involved with advocacy here at all. It wasn’t that there weren’t things that needed advocating for. It was more that with going back to school, working, and the shutdown of COVID I didn’t have the time or things were so influx due to COVID no one knew what was going on. No one knew how IDEA and FAPE applied in a COVID world.

Why did the advocacy mama bear awaken again?

Image by dianakuehn30010 from Pixabay

A school saying that despite my son finally passing pre-algebra after taking it 5 times, it will not count as a math credit. Because the class was not passed while my son was in 9th grade, they are saying that the state is it cannot count as a math credit. It will count instead as an elective credit. What this means is that my son is starting from scratch on his math credits and in his final semester of school he will have to take 2 math classes at once, and take a harder math class than he would need to graduate because he has no math credits currently. This is my child who has dyscalculia- a math disability.

Dear state legislatures and educators-

  • It shouldn’t matter which grade a child passes a math class as long as they pass it.
Calleen Petersen

Mississippi ranks at the bottom on many measures of education. Why are we making it harder for children to graduate for nonsensical reasons? Have you heard of IDEA? How about IEPs? Do you need a refresher course?

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

This is what it took to wake me up. In social work, advocacy is part of the job on a macro and micro level. I will not stop until this policy is changed, not just for my son, but for everyone else. And then I may turn my efforts to their “graduation track” policy that has been struck down in other states.

Mississippi, you don’t know what you just unleashed.

My Peace I Leave With You

My Peace I Leave With You

“My peace I leave with you. My peace I give unto you. Not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.”

John 14:27

Of all the verses of scripture, this is my favorite.

It centers me.

It pulls me forward reminding me I can do hard things.

Who doesn’t want peace? Who doesn’t need peace?

I grew up as the oldest in a very large family- 11 kids. While we ourselves weren’t a very loud family, with all those people it could get loud and chaotic. I was a teenager when I found this verse and it brought me great comfort.

A hand reaching toward the light
Image by Jackson David from Pixabay

As I have grabbed hold of my courage and pushed my way through the hard things, this verse has sustained me. As I have dealt with the things that make you fall to your knees in helpless surrender this verse has held me.

The Things We Do Not See

The Things We Do Not See

The other morning I was rushing around getting ready for work when I suddenly noticed a light switch I have never seen before. I flipped it wondering what it went to.

The light, halfway up the staircase came on.

I stood there for a moment.

We’ve lived in this house for 3 years and I had never seen this light switch. How many times had I gone up the stairs to turn off that light midway up the stairs because the kids had left it on?

This made me wonder, how many other things and people am I not seeing in my life that are right there. Right in front of me?

I can’t answer that question, because I haven’t seen those people and things. But what I can do is keep a more open mind, a curious mind, one that seeks to see people and things done for me.

Going into the mental health profession, I wasn’t prepared for all the knowledge about myself I’m gleaning. It opens a whole new lens to see myself with.

Just like the light on the wall.

It’s time to stop walking past and start really seeing myself.

Will It Be My Fault?

Will It Be My Fault?

I sometimes think back to the early years of my kids lives. They were born in 2006 and 2007. Until 2015 I dealt with debilitating back pain. In 2013 I had my first back surgery which didn’t work. In 2015 I had my second surgery and almost 8 years later I’m still doing well.

But those early years meant a lot of mom laying on the couch or bed, trips to doctors, emergency rooms, and chiropractors. When we were preparing for my second surgery my daughter was terrified what would happen to her and her brother. She remembered that after the first surgery I couldn’t do much. Who was going to take care of them? Who was going to feed them?

As I remembered this today, it struck me that my husband and my roles are reversed now. He is frequently in hospital, or at doctors when I can drag him there (men!)., in bed and not feeling well. Now they worry about him.

Who is going to be there for them when he cannot?

Water Gun Fights In The Winter

Parents are central to a child’s survival and psyche. It is from them a lot of our self talk comes from. It is from them often we learn to rely a lot on others or be very independent.

I worry that because of all the physical pain I was dealing with, which in turn greatly affected my mental health, I was not enough. Add to that dealing with other people in the family’s mental health and the strain it put on me.

Did I raise children who will sit on a therapist’s couch one day because their mother ruined them? Because she wasn’t emotionally or physically available?

As they are teenagers now, I wonder through these years of their hating me one minute and breaking down to tell you they love you the next. Did I fill their needs? They were fed and clothed.

Be Brave, Give A Second Chance

“Sometimes, letting your guard back down and giving someone another chance is one of the best decisions you could make.”
Read more.

We Have Trauma Too

We Have Trauma Too

A friend’s child is in the hospital right now due to a heart condition. As I visited for a moment with her, I was brought back to all those times my child was in the hospital. How hard that is. There are so many maybes, and what if’s, and no guarantees. A mother’s worst nightmare.

This is a nightmare those of us in the special needs community are all too familiar with.

Mental health practitioners are recognizing more and more how medical trauma affects the children being treated. But what I don’t hear about is the vicarious medical trauma that parents suffer, and a light needs to be shown on it. Because it is real, and it is important.

An acquaintance recently posted about how she was having issues with her pregnancy and was being kept at the hospital for a while. But it was bringing back so many memories, triggering so much trauma from when her three year old was being treated for cancer and then later died.

In my work as a social work case manager, I remind parents daily about self care. I remind them how important it is to take care of themselves, I recommend that they seek therapy and healing.

So I’m going to remind you today too. The trauma you have experienced as you have shepherded your children through these illnesses and disabilities? It’s real. Don’t question it. Invest the time in yourself and your care. Seek out therapy, a listening year of a friend. Practice good self care. Your children depend on it.

But even more importantly, so do you.

Happiness Is My Measure of Success

“My life isn’t perfect and is definitely not what others would view as success.

But I view it as pretty darn successful because I’m happy.”

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I Have A Dream

I Have A Dream

In 2018 I took hold of my dream of finishing school and becoming a therapist, despite my not being sure of being able to pull it off. In 2021 I graduated with my Bachelors in Psychology and started my Masters in Social Work. Now I’m currently working on my first of two internships.

As time as gone on and my knowledge has grown, this vision of becoming a mental health therapist, this dream, has continued to grow.

I have a dream of owning my own therapy practice.

But that is only the beginning. I dream of working with a psychiatrist who uses alternative forms of healing as well as psychiatric medication. I want a massage therapist and a acupuncturist on staff. I have found a huge benefit in those forms of treatment both in my physical and mental health and I believe they could be an important part of healing for many people.

I don’t want to be in a strip mall in a nondescript building. I want a small building in the middle of trees surrounded by a therapy garden. Somewhere where clients can go to heal and meditate and find peace. Where they can work in the ground and watch things grow. Where the things that grow there can feed their bodies and souls. A place where yoga classes can take place on a grassy knoll. A big gazebo where group therapy sessions can be held. To help support the garden, it could be a place for small baby showers, weddings, bridal showers, garden and book clubs when it isn’t in use by the clinic.

I want healing to happen. Strength and resilience to build. A place where everyone feels safe, welcome, and accepted.

It started with a small dream of becoming a therapist. And it keeps growing.

Will My Kids Say I Was Enough?

“Did I fill their needs? They were fed and clothed.

Did they know they were loved? I tried to spend quality time with them.

Was it enough?”

Read more…