Dear Parents: Kindness Begins With You

We were new to the area. We were just settling in and getting to know people at church. We had been invited over for a few dinners at people’s homes and the kids had some play dates. Things were looking good and we were really liking our new town.

Suddenly no one would talk to us at church. No one would call us back when we called to ask about play dates. We would go to church functions, and we were all alone. Children were now being told to stay away from our children. My children were so confused. And so was I.

Later we found that a particular group of women had decided that our son was awful. They told everyone with kids that they needed to keep their kids away from us. That I needed to be kept away from too.

Suddenly this new town, these new experiences weren’t so fun anymore. Suddenly I was heartsick for my children.

What they didn’t know and what I didn’t know yet as it would be 2 more years before my son was diagnosed, was that he had Autism.

Can you see anything wrong with this little boy? I can’t.

I spent all my time as a mother when my children were small overseeing my children, disciplining them when they were in the wrong, never letting them get too far away so I could intervene if things went sideways.

That child that hasn’t been nice to your child? Maybe give him a second chance? Maybe something else is going on than being a brat. Does this child look different? Does he sound different? Chances are that a lot of children with hidden disabilities don’t appear to have anything wrong with them. So they are judged for the things that they might not be able to control. They are shunned for behaviors that might be different from the norm. You never know what battle people might be fighting.

Be Kind

30 thoughts on “Dear Parents: Kindness Begins With You

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  2. Calleen, I don’t know the particulars about your story, but I’ve known others who have had similar hurtful circumstances. The solution is never to tell others to stay away – how heartbreaking for you and your family!

    I do have to say though, that once my son’s friend came to play and all went well. Then, his mom came to pick him up and his little brother went into my son’s room and trashed it in 5 min – popped his balloons, smashed his lego creations, broke a wooden magazine holder, and hit my son. I was shocked and angry, especially about his hitting my son. I never wanted that kid in my house again. His mother was so embarrassed. She confided that she knew something was wrong but didn’t know what to do. At first I thought it was her parenting, but her older two kids were fine. Eventually he was tested and is on the spectrum. He was jealous and he didn’t know how to express it. Today he is much better because of his mother’s love and guidance. I’m glad I didn’t push this wonderful family away!

    1. It is hard. Heaven knows it is hard. It’s hard to have our own children in our home sometimes when they have issues like this. I can only imagine how it must look to others. I’m so glad you didn’t push that family away. They were so lucky to have you.

  3. Thanks for sharing your inspiring post on the #LMMLInkup this past week. It is so important that we not judge and we accept more. I am sorry you went through that experience, but you used it to help spread a wonderful message of acceptance.

  4. I am so sorry that you had to experience that. Unfortunately, those women don’t know the damage they did to your family. My daughter had ADHD at three. She had seizures, but they were controlled at the time. She and I went to behavioral management for one entire year every Wednesday. She was kicked out of daycare centers left and right. It took forever, but I finally found a sitter who cared. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m here from the link-up.

  5. Calleen, I’m so sorry you and your family had to endure such unkindness. It is very disappointing whenever the church becomes a place of heartache instead of love and acceptance. I’m glad you have found a community of people where you feel both. What a beautiful little boy! Thank you for sharing this message and encouraging another.

  6. Hello, I am visiting from Good Morning Mondays. Your post made me so heartbroken. I am so sorry for what your family went through. I try my best to teach my kids that we are to love everyone just as God loves them. We are all created in God’s image, no matter what color, race, religion, or handicap. God loves everyone, so we are to love them also. Thank you so much for sharing.

  7. Hello Calleen,

    I’m sorry your family has to go through this. Thank you for reminding me about being kind. Early today, I was thinking about how we’re all taught to be strong, to not take things personally, and to be more resilient. But the same amount of energy must be placed in teaching about kindness, understanding and being tolerant of others. #MixItUp

    Best,
    Sigrid

  8. What a heartbreaking story. As a mom, my biggest fear is that other children will not accept my own children. And to know that they are not accepted for something they have little to no control over FROM CHRISTIANS. UGH! We could all use a little kindness. Everyone is dealing with something the world knows nothing about. #Grace&TruthLinkup

  9. Callen, what a heart-felt, beautiful post. Your words touched my heart. Some things from my grace story: “The Hollies’ 1969 song He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother, was so special to me. The first time I heard that song, I was 16 years old, the new kid in 10th grade at Sebring High School. I walked up the steps alone on that first day, I had felt alone most of my life. Adopted at four months of age, I had been an only child until my adoptive parents adopted my little brother from different biological parents when I was 12. We moved eight times in the seven years from 1961 to 1968, and although I felt greatly loved by my adoptive parents, I was reminded often that, “if there had been anything wrong with me, they could have given me back.” My empathy for children with special needs was born with that awareness. What if there had been “something wrong” with me, where would I be now?

    I made friends quickly in my advanced classes at Sebring High, becoming one of the editors of the school yearbook my junior year, and being elected as the first female president of the student body my senior year. At the same time, we had a sweet neighbor, Ralph Shuckford, who was an adult with developmental disabilities. I would often think as I spent time with him, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” I led Bible studies at my church before school, and was a volunteer with a community group that planned parties and special events for mentally handicapped adults in Highlands County on the weekends.

    It was a natural progression when I completed two years at the community college to major in exceptional student education. I was participant in a college student group which completed the “Admitted-for-a Weekend” immersion program at the Sunland Training Center near Gainesville. I was brought in and admitted on Friday as if I was one of the mentally handicapped adults in one of the cottages with locked doors and house mothers. I was told only to observe and not speak for the weekend. On Sunday afternoon, we had a debriefing session, and I wrote my reactions to the weekend as a stream-of-consciousness term paper for my college English class.

    During all these experiences, the song, He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother was my anthem. Now all these years later, after earning a BA in exceptional student education and a M.Ed. in gifted education, serving in various teaching and supervisory roles in education, and as a staff liaison for a church ministry for children with special needs, the lyrics still ring true for me… The road is long, with many a winding turn that leads us to who knows where, who knows where. But I’m strong, strong enough to carry him, he ain’t heavy—he’s my brother. So on we go, his welfare is my concern. No burden is he to bear, we’ll get there. For I know he would not encumber me, he ain’t heavy—he’s my brother. If I’m laden at all, I’m laden with sadness, that everyone’s heart isn’t filled with gladness of love for one another. It’s a long, long road from which there is no return, while we’re on our way to there, why not share? And the load, it doesn’t weigh me down at all…he ain’t heavy—he’s my brother.” Here’s the link to the entire post: https://bethwillismiller.blogspot.com/2015/10/he-aint-heavy-hes-my-brother.html

    Please continue to share your heart with others. A little kindness goes a long way. Many blessings to you and your sweet family!

  10. That’s horrific a whole town of people can be easily persuaded to stay away from your lovely family. I thought this type of discrimination was long gone yet here it is in 2018. Horrible, just horrible. Lots of love to you all #ThatFridayLinky

  11. Yes! Thank you for this important reminder to be hospitable and inclusive for everyone, not just the ones that look and act as we do. My heart goes out to you. Blessings upon blessings to you and yours! May God surround you with love and kindness!

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