Is It a Mid-Life Crisis? At Forty?

A few weeks ago I had an epiphany about my life. They don’t come often, but it’s always interesting when those glimpses come. Suddenly the fog clears and you can see clearly what was hidden before. Perhaps turning forty has something to do with it?

I was taking a nice relaxing hot bath. Baths are #1 my stress reliever. It suddenly it occurred to me that for the last several years I have been allowing life to happen. I have been reacting to things rather than living. I’m putting out fires and that is where life stops for me. I’m completely worn down just putting out fires.

This year of turning forty is changing me in ways I didn’t expect. While I’m still definitely exhausted (likely chronically so), I’m no longer afraid. That sounds weird, and I never really thought I was afraid of much. (Except for snakes and my body really hates heights.) I have somehow over the years quit taking charge of my life. Which is really odd for me to realize because I have always been a take-charge person.

I think my first clue was a year and a half ago when I made my pilgrimage to Ireland and Scotland with my sister. At one point she said to me, “Why are you being like this?” She was referring to me not making a decision decisively. I was in a foreign country. At the time we were in Scotland a country she had previously been to. Her character is such that she is also a very take charge person. Knowing this I was letting her have the reigns so we didn’t butt heads. But what I thought was just a circumstance of that trip, I have come to realize was a sign of something much bigger.

I have been letting life happen to me instead of taking charge and working hard for the changes I need and want.

Life has knocked me down so many times I have become weary of getting back up and trying again. That weariness has spread to fear that life will just continue to be a bowling game. That I will continue being a pin in that keeps being knocked down over and over again.

Forty is changing me. It has brought renewed hope, purpose and dreams. I almost feel like I am getting ready to re-live my twenty’s in the realm of possibilities. (Luckily without having to go through dating again.) Possibly this is part of a midlife crisis?

I’m done letting my son with his many medical diagnosis’s and needs rule my life. He may not change ever. Things may continue to be difficult for him and for us as a family. But we have to make time for each of us and our individual needs or we will never survive.

My Husband recently transferred the rest of his military education benefits to me. I was hoping to resume school last month but there was a mix up in the paperwork and I will have to wait until January. This time, at forty I’m going to school and going to finish it one way or another. As I make these plans and dream of the many pathways I can choose from with this choice, my soul finds direction again.

Blogging and writing has made this possible. It has made me believe I can again. If this is what a mid-life crisis looks like at forty, I’ll take it!

9 thoughts on “Is It a Mid-Life Crisis? At Forty?

  1. Calleen – Happy Birthday! and as someone who is at the end of the 40’s spectrum, I can say when I hit my 40’s I felt like my eyes were opened and I saw things from a different perspective than in my younger years. I like the epiphany you received – that you were reacting to life instead of just living. I can truthfully relate – life does get so much better when we don’t react. Blessings

    1. Thank you for your kind words. Reacting without thought is never a great way to work. Hopefully, now that I realize that that’s what I was doing I can change it.

  2. Well, my daughter was 40 last month and wow, I can’t believe it, specially because life goes by so quickly ! Now when I think about me at 40, I was really pretty young still, so live your new 30, which I’ve come to accept it cause yes, I don’t feel like my mom at 60’s.
    You are making good plans and yes, do all you want cause you can… take it from an older gal, 40 is still quite young !
    Thank you for your sweet comment.
    Enjoy your weekend.
    Fabby

  3. Once our children were grown, my husband and I would conduct ourselves differently on vacation. We would just go with the flow. Have loose plans, but nothing set in stone and just let the vacation happen. And every time we have done that, it has been amazing how the Lord has worked everything out and blessed us with wonderful experiences by doing vacation this way.

    I never thought about conducting my life that way! Very insightful!

    Thanks for sharing.

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