As a Christian woman, all my life I was taught and warned that I need to dress modestly as a follower of Christ. But the definitions for modesty are vast and subjective.
My church defines modesty as clothing that comes below the knee and all shirts must have sleeves. If you wore a two-piece bathing suit, it would be assumed by many that you were less righteous than you should be. Your worthiness and your commitment to God was and often is judged by our appearance and adherence to these types of modesty dress codes in many religions.
As a child, I was warned that provocative clothing would lead men astray. Because of this, our bodies must be covered. I am not alone in receiving this modesty message. It’s a message that is prevalent in many religions. A common refrain was, women who were raped, attacked and sexually harassed, it was due to the clothes they wore and their own actions.
Enter “Exhibit A”, an exhibit about rape victims which opened at the beginning of 2018. This exhibit shows the clothes victims of rape were wearing at the time of their attack. When you look at these clothes, you will see that they are clothes you would wear to the office, clothes you work out in, clothes that you would wear around the house. These were everyday clothes that you and I would wear, with many of the clothes meeting definitions of modesty. As I explored this exhibit online, I saw dissonance in what I had been taught and what the evidence showed.
This has led me to recognize the fallibility of this idea. Men are responsible for their own actions and choices. Just as women are. They don’t get a pass just because they are hard-wired for wanting sex. Men determine their course for themselves.
Why is no one saying what men wear matters? A shirtless toned man is going to appeal to a woman. Why aren’t they being told to cover up and be modest? Or to quit wearing tight jeans or shirts. I’ve known plenty of cowboys in my time with some pretty tight Wranglers that looked pretty hot.
I was reading “Daring to Drive a Saudi Woman’s Awakening” by Manal Al-Sharif. She’s a Muslim woman who spent most of her life in Saudi Arabia and at one point was extremely devout.
The devout women in the Muslim faith are the most modest of any faith I am aware of. The edge of their covered shoes, the ends of their hands and their eyes can be seen. These women are literally covered from head to toe. What is the reason for this? Frequently the reason given is that men will lust after women, causing the men to ruin them. Even though there is almost nothing to see, women are told to look away because their very eyes will seduce men.
This quote from the book really made me sit up and take notice, “…I’m proud of my face. If my face bothers you, don’t look. Turn your own face away, take your eyes off me. If you are seduced by merely looking at my face, that is your problem. Do not tell me to cover it. You cannot punish me simply because you cannot control yourself.”
I reject this idea that we as women are responsible for men’s thoughts and actions. If a woman is covered from head to toe and men are still having issues, that says something about them. I believe in being modest, true to God and chaste, but my modesty and chastity are about my journey with God, not my responsibility to men.
This was a really interesting read and I completely agree with you. Men are responsible for their own actions and a woman should dress in a way she finds appropriate for herself. #triumphanttales
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
Oh I so agree. Years and years of conditioning has convinced women that somehow it is their own actions that are responsible for unwanted attention. For men of course that’s the easiest way out – transferring responsibility for all their actions onto the woman, as if they were incapable of rational thought.
And if it were really true, women would be raped even more often than they are.
Great post. Victim shaming is a deplorable act and a big contributor to why so many women are afraid to come forward. The idea that men simply can’t control themselves without help is nauseating and insulting to me as a man.
I’m so glad that a man weighed in on this discussion and that you feel the same. Thanks for stopping in and reading.
yes!!!! I am not overly religious, however, I do believe that it is not for the woman to be responsible for a mans thoughts or feelings. Like you say, if you don’t like it; look away!
Thank you for sharing this with us at #TriumphantTales. I hope to see you back next week!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. This seems to be a popular post.
Women’s so called immodesty is a huge reason trotted out for the culture of rape and sexual assault in India too.
I think we Christians must also be aware that patriarchy plays a big role in the teachings handed down to us. It’s time for us to question these excuses for crimes of a sexual nature.
Exactly. I also think it’s time to respectfully question what is modesty? Why is it acceptable to show this part of my body and not another which is hugely dependent on cultural norms.
Reading this post makes me realize that every religion has prescriptions for women as to how they should dress up and behave and all this is voiced in the name of God. What starts in the name of God then becomes worldly to favour the mankind (the Men). A woman must cover up her legs and arms because the visible flesh (skin) can cause a short-circuit in the mind of men and this continues until the woman hides behind an Abaya or Burkha with only her eyes exposed and even that can be the reason for trouble. So, what to do? Go ahead and sew a piece of net to cover the eyes as well (as I have seen in the case of Afghan women).
Yes. It is definitely not just an issue with the Christian religions.
I think part of it is also cultural as well. We accept that this is the norm. Or I was just reading this week a book that took place in India. There it’s perfectly acceptable to show your midriff. But it’s not okay to show your ankles. It’s fascinating to me.
Very well said Callen. You spoke that is in every women’s mind.
Thank you for stopping by and reading.
Modesty differs from person to person even in a similar culture. For instance in India women are expected to be covered but our national dress the sari exposes a fair amount of mid-rif! Even our men aren’t supposed to walk around bare chested ( though that is acceptable while they are doing physical labour). In some temples, women are expected to dress with their heads covered while in my community women NEVER cover their heads. \
And of course raping a woman because she is immodest is sheer poppycock.
For some reason, your comment made it into the trash rather than where it was supposed to go. I’m so glad I found it. It’s fascinating to me how different cultures find different parts of your body inappropriate to expose.
I love this post. I read the title and was irritated and came to see what you’d written. I hate the way bad behaviour is put down to the victim, if it is a female. In Australia, we had a guy punched in the back of the head as he walked down the street and there became laws about the ‘one punch rule’ but if a woman is raped on the way home from work, or walking in a park from the trainstation at 5pm in the afternoon, the police come out and say ‘women shouldn’t walk in the park alone’!! It’s a disgrace. And if it was really down the the clothes, 80 year old women wouldn’t get raped and nor would infants, and yet they do!.Really good post.
Thank you. I guess my title did its job! it’s a subject that I have spent a lot of time thinking about over the years. This is an accumulation of that thought and where my thoughts are at now. Thanks for reading.
Good thinking here. I’m remembering Jesus’s words in the Sermon on the Mount, a way of looking at sin that goes beyond the obvious and digs into our motives. We need His help to attain that level of righteousness!
Thanks for stopping in and reading.
I absolutely agree with your point. Everyone is responsible for their own actions – men and women. Thank you for a thoughtful post.
Thank you for stopping in and reading.
Interesting post. And I agree that men are responsible for themselves. But women would be naïve to think their clothing doesn’t matter or doesn’t make a difference. And I am not talking about your everyday, average woman, or about what one particular woman is wearing when she gets attacked. I am talking about the hyper-sexual culture we live in now, with even very young girls in tiny tops and short shorts. It’s not so much about the clothing choice as it is the hyper-sexual attitudes that go with it. Once again, as a culture. Look at Hollywood, the singers, the magazines, the seductive role models for young girls nowadays. This hyper-feministic culture shames the men for glancing at women, for treating them like sex objects, but women (as a whole) need to take responsibility for when they act and appear as sex objects. I once read about a singer who dresses and acts seductively, but then she was complaining about how dirty she felt when some guy talked to her like a sex object. Well, when she acts and dresses like a sex object, she can’t be surprised when she’s treated like one. Why aren’t women calling out other women for adding to the sexual-objectification of women? The models in barely-there clothes, the singers who are half-nude and gyrating all over the place in their videos, the actresses who wear sheer clothes with thigh-high slits, the sexually promiscuous women who are living lives that tell men, “You don’t have to commit to me. I’ll have sex with you anyway, even though I don’t know your name.” Doesn’t this give the message that some women like to be seen as and treated as sex objects? Doesn’t it add to a hyper-sexualized culture? And sadly the ones who end up paying for this hyper-sexual culture are the everyday women in normal clothes going about their normal life. So, while I agree that men need to be responsible for themselves and that nothing a women wears makes her responsible for being attacked, it’s also naive and unfair to think women haven’t contributed to this hyper-sexualized culture. This issue is deeper than just clothing, and it’s not really about everyday average clothes. Most women in society probably dress perfectly fine. But I think Hollywood and the sexual revolution shoulders a lot of the blame for some of the problems women are facing nowadays. And of course, being unable to bear your face is going to a terrible extreme. But we are on the other extreme of barely-there clothes and sexually-revolutionized women who no longer want a commitment before sex. (Movie and shows make it seem like it’s no big deal to sleep with a stranger, but then the big romantic moment comes when someone says “I love you.” Usually long after they’ve been sleeping together. So backwards. We don’t respect ourselves enough to demand the love before the sex. The respect and commitment before sharing our bodies. Some girl on The Bachelor once made a big deal out it when the guy told others that they had sex. He had dumped her but told her he loved sleeping with her. And she was mad about it. But I wanted to say, “He owed you nothing. You gave away your body cheaply, with no commitment from him. So you can’t be surprised when he doesn’t show you the level of respect you think you deserve. You gave it away for free.”) I know this isn’t all about our clothing choice – and it’s going a bit off-topic from what you wrote about – but it all ties together into the kind of culture we have nowadays. (And men aren’t told to cover up because they’re usually not the ones being raped. They’re clothing choices don’t put them at risk the way women’s clothing does.) Once again, men need to be responsible for themselves, but we women could do a better job accepting responsibility for the way we dress and the over-sexualizing of our culture. So sorry if this is a bit above and beyond what you wrote about, but I have thought about this a lot as I’ve watched feminism spiral out of control and noticed the hypocrisy of it. So it’s not really in response to what you wrote exactly, but some food-for-thought about some of the deeper issues and factors. God bless!
Thanks for taking the time to write a thoughtful response. I agree that women and girls have become hyper-sexualized and don’t agree with it at all. Hollywood definitely has some sins to answer for as I have written previously about on this blog. There are deeper issues here, I was trying to focus on this specific issue, and no doubt at some point I will be addressing the other issues here.
As for men being raped, the numbers for women is that 1 in 4. For men, the numbers are 1 in 6. So while men aren’t getting raped perhaps at the same frequency it does happen and 1 in 6 is way too high for my comfort.
Wow, I didn’t realize it was so high for men. Such a shame that it’s that high for men and women. Any amount is too high, no matter who you are. Oh, and I wasn’t saying the men shouldn’t cover up, too, or anything like that. Just pointing out that women are physically more vulnerable than men, and maybe that’s why the focus is on women. But with statistics like that, all people are vulnerable. I sure hope society starts swinging a bit more toward good old-fashioned morals and decency. We could all use a little more of that. Blessings to you!
Agreed.
I hope my first response didn’t,’t sound too harsh. I only had five minutes to write it before I left. Like I said, i wasn’t totally talking about what you wrote. It was more like stuff I was thinking about which was triggered by this issue. And of course i meant ‘bare your face’ not ‘bear’. But I am sure you knew that 🙂
Not at all. You had some valuable points.
Thank you for your thoughts on this tough subject. I do believe that men are responsible for their own thoughts and actions. I also believe that women need to dress modestly, not for any reason other than their own journey with God, as you mentioned.
Thank you for linking up with us at Woman to Woman Ministries. God bless.
Thanks for stopping in and reading.
Interesting take. You are right in that men are responsible for their own thoughts and actions. I do believe it is loving to be modest for the sake of our brothers in Christ, but my version of modest may be very different than someone else’s. I think we have to let our relationships with God guide what we wear and if we feel it is pleasing to Him, that’s all we need concern ourselves with! laurensparks.net
I agree. Thanks for stopping in and reading.
Interesting discourse! Jesus did say that if a man looks at a woman other than his wife lustfully he has sinned, even if he never touched her. Man’s (and I mean this to cover all mankind) inability to admit and repent of our sinful nature gets us all in some pretty hot water. Thanks for this food for thought! Blessings!
Thanks for stopping in and reading.