An Ordinary Mom's Musings

I have Anxiety attacks. They started while my husband was deployed to Iraq with the Army for the first time. There is nothing like a war to bring on anxiety. It took a while to figure out what was going on, and I did a lot of tests to find this diagnosis. I went through therapy and started medication. For some people, meditation, breathing, and relaxation can make it all go away. For others, that helps but their anxiety is due to a chemical imbalance in their brains that make them malfunction. Medications are frequently a must in this situation.
I was sharing with a kind neighbor about the issues I was having, and I was a bit shocked when her response was that she just reads her scriptures and prays. God takes all of her anxiety away. She seemed to imply that that’s what I should be doing too.
A few years later, we were dealing with a difficult decision. It was determined that our son needed to have surgery which would change his life, hopefully for the better, but there were no guarantees. Making this decision was hard. I shared what was going on with a few friends. One of those friends responded by saying, “We had an issue like this with our son, but we had the entire church fast and pray about it and he was healed.”
It is times like this when I question my faith. Do I just not have enough faith to be healed or to heal my son? I truly do believe in miracles and that we should expect them and strive for them more than we do. I believe that God can heal anyone or do anything he wants. Am I not good enough to have my prayers answered? Do I doubt too much?
A lot of soul searching has gone into this over the years as I have faced these and other challenges. It’s just really another form of the age-old question, “Why does God allow bad things happen to good people?”
The answers I have found are not simple or easy. But what I have determined is that God didn’t send us here to just have a blessed life. Job is an excellent example in the scriptures. He had enough faith. He was righteous enough. Yet God allowed horrible things to happen to him, things that would have completely broken a lesser man. Just because we have faith, or are good people doesn’t mean we won’t experience hard things.
Sometimes it is his will that a miracle happens. The lame walk, the blind see. But equally, if not more often he uses that lameness or blindness to help us see him. It’s not always part of his plan that everyone be healed. But he doesn’t leave us alone in this. He walks beside us the whole way carrying us when we need it most.
Having debilitating anxiety attacks or my son having health problems isn’t nice, or fun. But I don’t believe it’s a lack of faith or a punishment for not being good enough.
I may not be perfect, but I do believe I am enough.