I have spent years of my life in Doctor’s and Therapist’s appointments. Let that soak in. Years of my life. That is what being the mother of a Special Needs child is like.
Because of all the time I have spent in these waiting rooms. Seeing kids with various special needs come in and out and talking with their parents to pass the time, I can often pick out sensory issues, physical issues, and other things a child is experiencing.
Because I have lived with someone with Autism for most of my life (yes, in our family Autism is likely genetic), I can pick a person with autism out of a room of people easily. That is not to say I can identify every single person, but can I usually can spot the signs if they are there.
But what if the person or the parent doesn’t know yet that they or their child has special needs yet?
About a year ago in church, there was a cute young family with their first child who was about 18 months old. Their child was a toe walker. So much so, that he could have shown up every ballet dancer in the business with his ability to walk on the very tips of his toes. Although I’m sure they understood that this was different, what they may not have understood is that this can be a sign of special needs issues that should be looked into.
Many pediatricians take a wait and see approach. I was telling medical professionals for years that something was different about my son. They kept blowing me off. I’m sure they were thinking, “She’s a first time Mom, she’s just over protective and doesn’t really know what to look for. He’s fine.” What they didn’t understand was that I’m the oldest of 11 children in my family. Since I left home, I had been a Nanny and a Preschool teacher and now had kids of my own. I have literally worked with and helped raise kids my entire life. It wasn’t hard for me to spot that things were off with my son.
This cute couple with their pride and joy of a boy who was a toe walker, do I say anything? Do I put a chink in the castle in the sky they are building about their little boy? If so, how do I do that? I tend to not get in the middle of other people’s business. I figure I have enough drama in my own family, I don’t need anyone else’s. My thought process is if they want me to know something they’ll tell me. I feel sorry for the doctors who do have to break the news to parents that their child has special needs. No one is prepared for that news.
In this case, and so many others, I know that early intervention can not only help, but make a huge difference in the outcome of that person’s abilities. Is it sensory issues that are causing this child to toe walk? Is it muscular and ligament related? (This is what it looked like.)
Early intervention with PT (physical therapy) or OT (occupational therapy) can help so the sensory issues don’t get worse and help a person learn to handle it. Therapy can make it so the ligaments are getting stretched so that surgery isn’t needed or that it could wait until the child is older.
We had one therapist for our son who was particularly gifted at asking about a child while standing in line at the grocery store and mentioning that perhaps they should be in physical or occupational therapy. She could get away with telling almost anyone this. Another therapist in the same office said, “If I do that, it completely blows up in my face!”
As a parent, with no professional training, but with lots of practical experience in a variety of special needs, I am standing here constantly wondering, “Should I say anything?”
There is someone in my life right now that I’m fairly confident their daughter has high functioning Autism. I waffle SO much on whether to say anything. I really think it could really help them and others understand the difficulties this young girl is going through.
A Question For You~
So I ask you, as a parent, would you want another parent to pull you aside and mention out of concern for you and your child that they might consider bringing up x, y, or z at their next pediatric appointment? Or would you rather I keep my nose out of your business as I’m not a medical professional? I’m asking as I would like to know how people would like this handled in their own lives, with their own children. Take a minute, tell me in the comments, would you want me or anyone else for that matter, to tell you your child might have some special needs? Or would you rather find them out on your own in your own time?
I think it’s a difficult one. As parents we are so fiercely protective, however, I guess I would want to know. I would be hurt, shocked and maybe angry. But having someone that cared for my family share their concerns with me would be appreciated, no matter how hard it was to hear.
Thanks. I would *like* to think I would respond the same.
I guess it could be seen as interfering, especially if you are not qualified. I think if it was worded carefully it wouldn’t be so bad. Perhaps it depends on the type of person it involves. Tricky. Thanks for sharing with #TriumphantTales!
Thanks for stopping by and reading. I appreciate it.
I would want to be told about a possible concern, especially if early intervention helps, as long as the person isn’t insistent that they KNOW what the problem is and how to fix it. A gentle “You might want to look into this” might be okay if the parents are not the defensive kind. If it’s done from love and not from judgment, it shouldn’t hurt. Maybe you could start with a simple observation like, “Oh, I see he walks on his toes a lot. Interesting!” And then see where it leads, pray for an open door if something should be said about it, and if you do say something, add something like “It’s probably not a problem at all, and it’s totally up to you what you do … but I would feel bad if it WAS something and I didn’t say anything. I know I would like to be told if it were me.” Interesting, difficult dilemma you pose here. God bless!
Thanks for reading and commenting how you would like it handled. I really appreciate it!
Hi, this is the first that I heard walking on your tiptoes may point to a developmental issue. I walked on my tiptoes as a child. My mom says I use to run across the room on them. I am highly educated and did not seem to have developmental issues growing up. What developmental issues are associated with this? You have peeked my curiosity. I would offer my own testimony as a reason to pray before speaking. Maybe the child is fine? I know I turned out okay and still walk on my tiptoes to this day. I am still interested in this though. Maybe it can explain something lacking in my life? Thanks. Let me know and please stop by the #LMMLinkup again this week.
Hi Mary! Not necessarily developmental issues, but it could be things like a Sensory Disorder where the child doesn’t like the feel of things on his/her feet. It could be issues with the ligaments in the legs not being long enough which frequently means surgery for example.
Some kids are just toe walkers and it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is something wrong, but in the case I mention it was one of the most extreme cases I have seen and I’m fairly confident something was going on judging by the way he was toe walking.
Not sure your question was answered above other than listen to the Spirit. Ask God for a natural opportunity?? Or begin with a parable like the prophet and King David. If you are wrong about the child, and you lose the parents’ friendship, it still may be the right thing to do if God is prompting you. Personally, I might feel judged at the beginning but be grateful in the end. Speaking the truth in love is a mandate, not a choice, but it needs to hurt the speaker as much as the listener. Sounds like you would be very careful. God loves your heart (and that child.)
Thank you for reading and replying. I think this will be something I continue to contemplate and it will be something I consider on a case by case basis.
Tough question for sure. My motto is, “if we show love, we model Jesus”, and He’s the one who will come to the rescue. Maybe the person we are concerned for already knows or suspects their child has a special need and is afraid, or in denial, or already working on it behind the scenes. Showing love creates a safe space that may become fertile ground for the person we’re concerned about to open up to us without our prompting. I don’t have kids with special needs, but I have kids in their 20s. I’ve learned the hard way over the years that it’s better to just be present and to be love rather than point out what I “think might be going on” in their life. I think so often we mean well, and our intentions are good. But for me it’s a trust thing. Trusting God to do the work. Love your words, Calleen.
Thank you. I think that that is a beautiful point. God does know everything, and we need to remember to trust him.
Shelby – so well said – my kids are also in their twenties (wrote about not meddling this week) and my role is to listen and love. That’s it. Unless they ask.
Thats a tough one. I think it would depend quite a bit how well I knew the parents and how I felt they might respond. We have a friend with three boys and although the oldest is the only one that has been diagnosed, to me it seems pretty clear that the others are also on the spectrum. The mother doesn’t seem to think so, but I haven’t felt it my place to speak up #happynow
I think in that circumstance I would likely agree with you, as she already has one diagnosed and knows what it is. Thanks for stopping by and reading.
Dear Calleen, as parent, grandparent, and educator, I would welcome an insight by a caring adult. You’re so right about the announcement that a child has special needs being a shocker. However, I have been in many diagnostic meetings over the years when shock is quickly followed by relief, relief in finally having some answers. I think sometimes parents need a little nudge to seek those answers, so please, speak up.
I definitely felt relief when I finally had a name for something that for years that I knew was different with my son. And I think that is probably true as long as you aren’t one of those parents who doesn’t want to know, who is in denial.
Ya know, I wonder what our grandparents did when they didn’t know about these problems or maybe they did & it was hushed… I dunno, but what I do know is to keep my nose outta other peoples business. Nowadays you just don’t know how people are going to take your uneducated opinion & either they’ll tell you off, haul off & sock you one or you might get lucky and someone will say hmmmm!!! I was fortunate with my children even with what they went though. I got divorced when they were all very young & personally I think when you have problems a family kinda all pulls together.. and my babies surely did & still do I got some great kids!!! Have a nice day & thanks I really didn’t realize how lucky I am until now!!! Have a great weekend too! hugs
Yes. I usually think, I have enough drama. I don’t need more. Thanks for reading.
That is such a difficult thing! As a speech therapist myself, I think about the same at times when I notice something in the children of friends or acquaintances. It really is hard to know when to cross the line or whether we should do it at all. But like has already been said, I think we shouldn’t do anything unless clearly prompted by the Holy Spirit.
That, I think is the best solution.
Oooo that is a tough one! I can just feel myself teetering on a fence post trying to decide which side of the fence to jump down on. I think it would definitely depend on how close we are. Coming from California originally, if I were to mention to this to someone who was not a very close friend would very likely blow up in my face. But I think if you’re close with someone and you take a very gentle approach to it, it could be hugely helpful. If someone were to tell me flat out that they think there is something to be concerned about, I would likely chalk it up to unwarranted parenting advice…then spend the night tossing and turning and researching. I think it depends on how you word your concerns, how the person trusts you and reacts to an outside view point and just pure dumb luck!
Oh I’m going to be tossing and turning over this question tonight because I have not had that experience yet, but I want to be prepared if I end up in this same situation!
#TriumphantTales
Oooo that is a tough one! I can just feel myself teetering on a fence post trying to decide which side of the fence to jump down on. I think it would definitely depend on how close we are. Coming from California originally, if I were to mention to this to someone who was not a very close friend would very likely blow up in my face. But I think if you’re close with someone and you take a very gentle approach to it, it could be hugely helpful. If someone were to tell me flat out that they think there is something to be concerned about, I would likely chalk it up to unwarranted parenting advice…then spend the night tossing and turning and researching. I think it depends on how you word your concerns, how the person trusts you and reacts to an outside view point and just pure dumb luck!
Oh I’m going to be tossing and turning over this question tonight because I have not had that experience yet, but I want to be prepared if I end up in this same situation!
#TriumphantTales
It is a conundrum that has been whirling around in my brain for a while now and I haven’t resolved it yet.
Man, that is a tough one! I think one of the biggest factors would be, how close are we? Are we close enough that because I know all that you have been through that I would know that you knew what to look for? Or do I not really know you well, and therefore have no real knowledge of your intimate life with special needs and just find it a little offensive.
So many times parents can be clueless about what is going on with their children and unfortunately, this can cause a lot of harm. But being the one to bring that to light, is not easy.
Thanks for the post and for linking up @LiveLifeWell!
Blessings,
Amy
Thanks for stopping by and reading and adding your comments. It’s been insightful to read everyone’s comments on this topic.
Gosh what a difficult question. I see how your heart would be in the right place and you would be doing it out of concern and from a place of love and kindness, but I wonder if it would be received as such. Tricky stuff… #GlobalBlogging
That is exactly my issue.
Calleen,
I like your message.
What I wish is people would talk to us parents of special needs children &/or adults instead of about us.
Years ago I was falsely accused of child abuse by someone saying our physically and menatally handicapped child wasn’t eating or sleeping well.
They were lies as our child has never had a eating or sleeping problem.
i wish you would write sometime about us parents of those with special needs that have been falsely accused of child abuse.
The folks at DSS were super nice and said investigating false accusations was a everyday job for them.
Still I wish you would write about this subject sometime.
You are a good writer.
This is a problem, I agree. I will add it to my list of topics to write about.
This is such a tricky one, because we live in a culture that very much promotes the whole idea of “minding your own business” and so people tend to get offended when you don’t. On the other hand, I think it’s kinda dumb not to be able to say something to a person that could potentially help them and their child very much for the sake of being politically correct and not hurting feelings/pride in the short term. I would like for the culture of “minding your own business” to change for that reason. People can really benefit from the wise counsel of others and we need to learn to be thicker skinned about receiving said counsel.
For me personally, I would like to be told if someone like yourself noticed something in my daughter that could indicate some sort of disability. This is providing that someone was well informed and very sure – I would hate to be scared unnecessarily by a stranger who did a two minute assessment and jumped to conclusions, for instance. Undoubtedly (in the short term) I would be upset at the suggestion that all may not be well with her, but in the long term I would much prefer to experience this upset but then be able to get early intervention that may make a big difference in her life.
Having said that, there are many people who are not like me in this regard. Many people like to find things out the hard way rather than being told by someone. I think it is important for you to consider which sort this particular person you would like to speak to is – Matthew 7:6 comes to mind “Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.” Consider whether this person is wise and would consider your counsel a kindness (Psalm 141:5) or whether they are likely to turn and attack you for it!
Hannah from http://www.womanontheway.com
Thanks for responding. You bring up some very good points to consider.
That is almost like witnessing to people, bringing up healing or some spiritual gift. I have had too many hurt feelings and offenses myself and try not to do that to others, but the truth is sometimes you know something someones needs to hear, what I do now is advise if asked, without out telling people what to do. Say nothing unless prompted to by the Holy Spirit. The main thing I find is still to show so love.
That is excellent advise