An Ordinary Mom's Musings

You have a child who has a serious illness, or a behavior disorder. You spend most of your time dealing with doctors, therapists, care of your child, behaviors, calls from the school, trying desperately to keep on top of it all. Everyone wants something different. More homework, more data, more practice, more care, more meetings, more appointments, more paperwork. You feel you are barely keeping your head above water. And this is all for your child who you love and adore.

But. . .

This child, he is not your only child. You have another child. Maybe several. You look at them, and your heart sinks. They keep getting the “leftover” parts of you. Especially if you don’t have extended family close, or family that will help. It’s not on purpose. It’s the way things end up as you all try to muddle through this life of being a special needs family. Medical issues, behavior issues always seem to take the forefront. I’ve come to understand that because of this, I need to make a concerted effort to look at my child and understand that they work differently than my child with special needs. Things that I have been trained to pay close attention to with my special needs child, I miss with my other child. Or I miss the actions that should tell me that she needs some extra support. The ways that she exhibits needs for help, are different, and more subtle than a major meltdown or a trip to the emergency room. She too has been trained by the situations she experiences. Often, through no fault of her own, her own needs come last. Not because she is any less important. But this is the way her life often has to go, due to the emergent nature of things that happen in our lives every day.

Trauma

Siblings of special needs children can experience trauma, not through any lack of love on the parent’s part, but simply from the life experiences they have experienced due to being a sibling in the home of a child with special needs. Siblings of special needs children can experience trauma, not through any lack of love on the parent's part, but simply from the life experiences they have experienced due to being a sibling in the home of a child with special… Click To Tweet They may hear their sibling screaming from medical treatments, they may experience violence from a behavior meltdown. They may be concerned that their sibling will die, or if their sibling is sent away for treatment, wonder if they will be sent away too.

Respite Care

Last year, we sent our son away for 30 days of respite care. It was really difficult. However, I discovered that when we did, our daughter had a chance to breathe. She discovered that no matter what, we would keep her safe. That had a profound effect on her. For most of the last 6 months, she has been a different person, happy, content, helpful. A real delight to have around.  Now I am seeing that the stress is starting to get to her again. She’s short-tempered, having a hard time remembering things. Today, she looked at me and said, “Mom, I’m sorry, I’m just having a really hard time.” This time, it isn’t just her brother. A month ago, I broke my foot.  Shortly after, her brother started having a hard time again. Add to that, he realized that I was incapable in my current lame state to make him do anything. My husband has been gone for work. She has had to pick up a lot of slack. And that is a lot to deal with at the age of eleven.  So knowing this, knowing that she needs a break just as much as  I need a break, this weekend, her brother will be going to a “Cowboy Camp,” at a camp that he loves, and while it will only be for 2 nights, I’m hoping it will all give us a brief chance to recoup. To give her the opportunity to not just be a sibling of a special needs child. The siblings of our special needs children, do often get the short end of the stick, so it takes just a little bit of extra noticing. Some extra planning, and a little extra love and patience being showed. Read more. . . Click To Tweet