An Ordinary Mom's Musings

I was scrolling through my Facebook feed this weekend and a particular post stopped me in my tracks. It said-

“What did you do this weekend?”

A perfectly innocuous post. The writer wanted us to comment on what we had been doing this weekend, likely with the intent to hear about all the fun things people did. But as I said. This simple question stopped me in my tracks.

You see, this weekend, I took my 12-year-old son to a place that I don’t know anyone. A place a few hours from me and left him there for the next 30 days. We can visit, and we can call him any time we want. But he’s staying there without us.

This past year (school year) has been particularly hard for our son. It has been one I would have never imagined. We’ve never had a year like it. He’s never needed an aide at school in a general education classroom before. We’ve never needed a Behavior Intervention Plan at school for him. Locking myself in a room away from him for safety is something I NEVER thought I would find myself doing. Taking him and leaving him at a home for 30 days for *extended respite care is something, so hard and unbelievable to me, I would have never chosen it.

For those of you who are saying right now, “I would never do that to my child.” Trust me. I wouldn’t have either. You are telling yourself that you would do everything in the world possible for your child. Me too. But you haven’t walked in our shoes. You haven’t seen the emotional, physical, and mental toll this has taken on me, and my family. Don’t judge. Because you don’t want to find yourself in our shoes.

One day, my son may tell me that he hated me doing this to him. One day I will tell him that it tore me to pieces doing this.

My brain tells me that bad things might happen to him because I’m not there to protect him. I have to live with that hard knowledge. If I was putting him into the hospital, I could tell myself that it is for his own good. That they will help stabilize him, that they will make whatever was ailing him better. Although that is hard, I know I’m doing what’s best for him in that situation. In this situation, I can’t say that. I can’t say that putting him in *extended respite is what’s best for him.

My son, one day if you are reading this and looking back on this hard time-

Know that I love you like no other. There is a very special place in my heart that no one can fill but you.

You are strong. Even if this ends up being the most horrible thing I did to you, I believe you will overcome it.

I was not, am not, nor will I ever try to get rid of you. I chose you and when I did, I chose everything that comes with you.

Know that in order to get a new perspective on what is going on with you, we needed some time. We needed space to start healing from the trauma that this year has caused. Plans need to be made for this year, to give you your best shot at having a great year. That’s what we are doing.

We need rest.

Your sister deserves to have some attention for her. She’s starting middle school this year and that can be a really scary and overwhelming time. She too deserves to have her best shot at a great year.

I wish so badly that I could be everything you need. That I had all the answers to help you. But I don’t. No one person can be one person’s everything. That’s why it takes a village to raise a child.

Your Dad deserves my time, and love as well. He works so hard for all of us, trying to support us financially, physically and emotionally.

Know that when these 30 days are up, we will come for you, renewed, refreshed and ready to fight for you again.

We love you. We miss you.

*The state of Washington offers 30-day extended respite to families who care for people with special needs so that their families can get a break so that the disabled can continue to stay in the home.