An Ordinary Mom's Musings

I have wanted to go back to school and finish my degree for years. There have been several things stopping me from doing that. The biggest reason? My brain.

Let me explain. Over the last 15 years or so I have dealt with a lot of chronic stress. Sedation with surgeries can also cause issues with memory and retrieval. I’ve been through 2 major back surgeries and a couple other procedures with sedation.  Then just add to that the normal stress/activities of being a Mom and I haven’t been sure I had a brain left.

Often I will be talking to someone and I cannot retrieve a simple word from my brain that I want to insert into the conversation. One day it was “strawberries”. I could mentally see them, describe them, virtually taste and smell them. I knew that I knew the word but I could not remember what the name of it was, retrieve it from my brain, and say it when needed. This is frequent and frustrating.

This issue has caused me to feel that I had lost my opportunity to finish school. Fear that my brain wasn’t going to be able to learn any more fills me. I struggled when I picked up in-depth books and classics that I have loved and been drawn to throughout my life. I felt like I could only digest “beach reads”.

But it was also my brain lying to me from my chronic anxiety. It kept telling me I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t smart anymore.

This blog has been what has slowly taught me that my brain is lying. As I have been writing for almost 2 years, the words while still a problem, are coming a little easier. But more than that, blogging and writing have opened a whole new world that I know nothing about. I am continually having to stretch myself to learn new things. SEO, coding, plugins. . .

And there it is again. I can’t retrieve the word I want about having to share my writing everywhere to build a reader base. The word will come to me eventually. But I am making note of it here to show you how often it happens.

All of these new things I am really clueless about. Recently I switched my blog over to a self-hosted site. I know nothing about any of the ins and outs of self-hosting a blog. I googled, and I talked to people and I asked questions. There were two things I just couldn’t figure out how to resolve so I reached out and paid someone to fix it for me. At the end of our conversation, she asked how much experience I had had doing this. I told her none. She said that she was really surprised I had been able to go as far as I had without knowing anything about this and that she was really impressed.

I have no desire to learn coding or SEO or any of these other computer things I am now dealing with. But I am finding that if I am going to get my message out I need to know these things. I need to at least dip my toes in the water and become conversant.

I listen to podcasts daily about writing, publishing, editing, and history. I’m reading more books trying to gain knowledge in all subjects. I’m learning new social media platforms. (If anyone would like to give me a tutorial on Instagram I’m all ears because I am still figuring that out.)

I began to think, maybe I am still capable of learning things. Maybe I am able to still change the world in my little corner. Maybe my brain has been lying to me and things are possible.

As my husband re-enlisted for the requisite 4 years in the Army to transfer his GI Education Benefits to a family member, I’m planning on heading back to school at the beginning of next year. Likely it will be online as I never know what is going to happen with my son from one moment to the next. But I am not going to let my brain lie to me anymore. I can learn new things. I can succeed.