Brought to you by the children of “An Ordinary Mom.”
Month: March 2018
Divorce Rates- Are They Really Higher for Families With Special Needs Children?
This was previously published by Parent Co. January 25, 2018.
Your child has just been diagnosed with a life-threatening or life-changing diagnosis. You are dealing with all the emotions, grief and stress that comes with this new normal. As you begin sharing this news with others, one of the first things you are told is, that the rate of divorce is much higher with families like yours.
This is really the last thing you want to hear. Your child has just been diagnosed with a major issue, with which you’re trying to come to terms with. This in and of itself is life-altering HUGE. Now, you have to add on top of that worrying about whether or not you’ll beat the odds of the new marriage category you have just been put in statistically? This feels like adding insult to injury.
A while ago I was working on a blog post and I was going to mention this statistic, but I stopped and thought I should look this up and see what the current stats are. I found plenty of articles to back this opinion up like this one in the Huffington Post, or this one on Families.com. However what drew me in, was a research study published by the National Institute of Health. I wanted to look at this one because I knew it would have excellent sources and reliable information. What I found surprised me.
Previous studies have shown that there was an increased risk of divorce, however, one of the problems with these studies is that it only looks at snapshots of time, only looking at school-aged kids or adult children. It doesn’t look at the lifetime of the marriage.
The Wisconsin Longitudinal Study which the NIH published, offers excellent insight into whether or not the divorce rate is higher for families with Special Needs children, the results of a 50-year study was published in 2015.
“…we found that divorce rates were not elevated, on average, in families with a child with developmental disabilities. However, in small families, there was a significantly higher risk of divorce relative to a normative comparison group. ”
The results found that there was about a 2% higher risk, and when you are talking statistics it is usually felt that there is a 3% margin of error, making the difference negligible.
They did, however, find an interesting result about family size. Among families without special needs the more children they had the more likely they were to divorce. However, the opposite is true of families that have Special Needs children. If they had more children they were less likely to divorce, the hypothesized that perhaps it was due to the care of the child with Special Needs being distributed amongst more people and easier to manage, also providing extra support as the parent’s age.
The study did have limitations which should be noted- There were not many minority populations represented within the study and the study was conducted with a cohort of people who tended to get married younger and have more children than today’s couples. Future studies are warranted to see if the study can be replicated and if it continues to hold true with the later marriages and fewer children that are being found in today’s families. However, it has been found in other studies that marriage later in life generally makes for a more stable marriage so it is unlikely that that would change the result. Due to this being a longitudinal study and the rigorous methods used to take into account known issues to factor into divorce, I feel this is a good snapshot of what things look like within many of our families.
The take away is that there is hope. You aren’t doomed to divorce your spouse. Your marriage will take work and care like anyone else’s but you have just as much of a chance to make it work as anyone else.
So ignore this statistic that gets thrown at you and spend time with your spouse and child.
*Before you leave, check out the book I’m giving away–
A Giveaway and Review of the Book- Unbound
”To celebrate this awesome book, I will be doing a Sweepstakes drawing for you to win a copy of Jamie Sumner’s book, Unbound- Finding Freedom from Unrealistic Expectations of Motherhood the value of which is $14.99 (but really it’s priceless).”
Learning to See Others as God Sees Us
“Understanding the why, gave me greater compassion to be kind. It helped me to see and understand her at least partially in the way that God sees and understands her. And that is a beautiful gift.”
Friday Memes
Brought to you by the children of “An Ordinary Mom”.
High Tops, 80’s, and an Autism Meltdown
“If you can’t laugh, you’ll cry. So you might as well laugh!”
Setting An Example by Reaching For Your Dreams
“I can show my daughter that we can have dreams. We can reach for the stars. And while we keep striving for those dreams and reaching for those stars, we can be successful along the way, as long as we keep pushing forward.”
And Then There Was 40…
Today is the day. The day that in my younger mind I would never really reach because I would always be young. 40 was old.
Now part of me thinks, “There is no way I could be 40! I don’t feel any older than my teenage self.” But the other half of me says loudly enough so that I can’t ignore it as it creaks and cries, “Oh but you are! You are probably actually older than that.” My children who are fast approaching their teenage years also tell a different story.
My life at this point is likely mostly half over. People are living longer all the time but when you’re 80 you know that life is fast running out. So I have now officially reached middle age. I’d say it was time for my middle age crisis, but I’m already in the middle of that.
Turning 40 makes you stop, think, and wonder. Has my life been valuable? Have I made a difference in the lives of others? Have I done with it the things I wanted and hoped to do, or if my vision of my life has changed am I living it? Half my life is done. What do I have to show for it?
I always wanted to be a wife. I accomplished that 15 years ago and in spite of better or worse, we are still hanging in there. We often joke that if we didn’t have bad luck we wouldn’t have any luck at all.
I always wanted to be a mother, and I have become one. I think it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I would say it was the most rewarding but I’m at a really difficult stage of my motherhood right now. I’m sure that I will feel that way again. Right now I’m merely surviving and praying that I don’t do something that really messes up my kids right now.
As a child, some of my dreams were to be a writer, and a singer, visit Switzerland, Ireland, and Scotland. I haven’t made it to Switzerland yet. But I am a published writer, I have recorded an album (which is hidden somewhere in all my collection of life…), and I made it to Scotland and Ireland. I think that is pretty good at my midway point through life accomplishing so many things that you wanted to do as a young girl.
I remember when I got married, I went through a time of introspection. I knew who Calleen Lyman was. But who was Calleen Petersen? For a year or so, that thought flittered around in my head. Who was this new person with a new name and a new status? That’s sort of where I am now. Who is this person who now claims 40 years? What does she want?
I want to keep writing. I am finding my voice as I do so and I can feel it growing stronger the more I write. I have something to say and I want to be able to say it. To share it so others will understand.
I want to find my inner peace and strength that I so often forget along the way of life. God is in control. I don’t have to worry about it. (At least not that much…)
I want to be a homeowner. We have moved around a bit throughout our married life and we have never taken that leap. It’s an important leap to me and in the next 40 years, I hope to accomplish it.
I want to see more of the world. I want to check off Switzerland off my list. I’ve added Germany and Israel to the list and there is so much more of the world I would love to see and experience. The older I get the more I realize that many times there is more than one right way of doing things and perspectives I haven’t understood. Spending time among people and places that are foreign to you helps broaden that perspective.
One day, I want to live. That’s a weird statement. But it’s true. Too often it has been all I could do to just survive the day, the hour, the situation. I want to live and enjoy life. I want to make memories along the way as I go.
Due to the nature of our situation, my birthday will be a quiet affair. My husband is out-of-town for work, my son has been going through a difficult time and just got out of the hospital. No big grand parties or exciting times for me. Maybe in another 10 years when I reach 50.
