We just bought a house!
We had no sooner signed the papers on our very first home of our own when anxiety started. Persistent thoughts of- “We can’t afford this.” “Someone is going to come take it away.” “You can’t do this!”
All lies. Big huge lies my brain was telling me.
I had carefully made sure that our house payment was significantly below what our rent payment had been. No one is going to come take it away from us, and there is no reason we can’t do this.
But the thoughts persist.
Luckily, I have spent enough time in therapy, and had enough experience with my journey with anxiety, that I know these are lies.
Part of this was brought on by the craziness we have gone through in buying the house, moving, and everything else that has gone on in our lives over the last few months.
Part of it was brought on by my Psychiatrist refusing to fill one of my medications before we left Washington because I would no longer be a patient. This caused me to be off of the medication for over a month and with our circumstances, the result wasn’t pretty.
Three days before closing on the house, we finally knew that we were definitely getting the house and everything was in order. My body knew that, and as is normal for me, my anxiety says, “Okay, things have calmed down. Now you are going to deal with me!”
I woke up that morning shaking, not from cold, but from anxiety
It continued off and on throughout the day. I couldn’t eat. The room, although not spinning, wasn’t exactly staying still. An anxiety attack this bad hadn’t happened in 10 years.
I knew what I had to do. I spent the day in bed. There were books waiting for me on my Kindle app. I read them. I took my medicine that I use for emergency anxiety attacks. There were a million things I could have been doing that day. But my body intervened and made sure I took care of myself. I knew if I didn’t, in a few days when we moved, when I needed to be on top of things, I wouldn’t be able to function.
For those of us with a chronic illness of any kind, it’s a journey. We have good days and bad days. The shaking, the room moving, and all my other symptoms were not my fault. I didn’t cause it. I just needed to step back and take time to care for me.
Take a step back today. Find a way to care for you.
Well first; Congratulations!! On many different levels. You managed to successfully pack up, move across the United States (in a vehicle), you lived in a hotel (for what seemed like forever) your sonshine had an amazing meltdown at school (people were more concerned about you; and rushed to assist you …quadruple score!!) you found a dream home; you had issues with fraud; but still got into your dream home, you have managed to move into said dream house. I think that your anxiety attack was just a tad bit late; but it just wanted to remind you; that it was hanging around in the darkest corner of your mind. Personally; I think I would have had said attack in the beginning; not so much the end. Happy to read that you managed to do some amazing self care for a day. Books are always good; Just being able to shut down and regroup; that is pretty amazing. Here I am; just cheering you on. May your anxiety take a back seat for another 10 plus years.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I’m back on my medication and it is reaching levels it is supposed to be at, so the anxiety attacks are calming back down.