I was recently talking with another mom who has a child with mental health issues. While talking she used the term “emotionally held hostage.” Those three words struck a cord with me because so often in the special needs, disability, and mental health worlds it can feel like we are being held hostage. By our children, spouses, parents, and even ourselves through our own illnesses.
I have totally felt like I was being held emotionally hostage with my own brain when my anxiety or depression is out of control. I just want to break through and feel in control of myself again.
As a parent, our kids can be very good at holding us emotionally hostage. Whether it’s knowingly and purposefully that out kids are doing it, or if it’s due to a medical issue. Kids can hold you hostage like no other.
Spouses. Ah, spouses. After kids, I think spouses can have some of the greatest affects on our emotional stability. It is our spouses that we are often the most vulnerable with. That vulnerability can give them power over us. And if a spouse is not considerate and loving and decides to use that power? We start to feel powerless while being emotionally held hostage.
Last, but certainly not least are the people who raised us. For many of us they can have just as great an influence on us as our spouses. They’ve certainly had a much longer time to influence us.
The affects of any of these situations or people holding us emotionally hostage can be devastating both emotionally and physically. Part of the problem in these situations is that there is a sense of shame that comes built in.
Your child keeps trying to commit suicide, but you don’t dare share that with others because you want to protect your child. You feel like you’ve failed them in some fundamental way. You feel ashamed.
You can’t get out of bed because of your depression. It seems SO simple. But you just can’t do it, no matter how hard you try. You feel ashamed.
Shame is powerful. But only when we let it be.
So what do we do?
We take a step back. These people only have power over us, to hold us emotionally hostage, if we give it to them. Loving someone doesn’t have to equal a hostage situation for you.
We should recognize that what we are going through is HARD. But usually, it is also not our fault. Someone else’s mental health or medical issues are usually not your fault. You didn’t cause them to get cancer. Did you deliberately cause your child’s genes to mutate? Don’t take ownership of their illness. If you are, throw that off now! You don’t need to carry that.
Recognize that you need to talk about what is going on. A friend, a therapist, a pastor, someone. Find one person you feel safe with, and share what is going on. This lessens the shame. While the story of what is going on may belong to your parent, or child, understand that what they are going through affects you. You have a right to speak about it with someone to process how it is making you feel.
Seek out people who are going through similar issues. This has always helped me tremendously. Often they have resources and answers I’m looking for. And even if they don’t? They have been where I am. Knowing that I am not alone in this is a lifeline.
Shame disappears when we talk about what is going on. We no longer feel like we have to hide in the shadows as much. Use your voice. Speak your truth.
