I grew up during a time when “Bullying” wasn’t a buzz word. A time when adults weren’t necessarily really watching for it. Unless it was extreme, adults most of the time never even knew about it. No one really talked about it.
I was one of the kids who was bullied.
My Mother used to say that there were a lot of extremely smart kids in my class and that what happened was a result of all of us vying for the top. I don’t know. I just know I found myself frequently on the outside of everything looking in. I was always picked last for any games and on the receiving end of verbally and physically hurtful actions and words.
I remember walks home after school; having people pull my hair and kick me, telling me I should just kill myself. My parents didn’t know any of this until well afterward. All those taunts that I should just kill myself hit home, and it was something I considered at that time so that it would all end. It all came to a head when someone threw a pair of scissors at my head and they embedded deep in the chalkboard an inch above my head. When my parents found out, (and the only reason anyone found out was that the chalkboard now had a hole in it and the teacher wanted to know why), I was withdrawn from school and homeschooled for the rest of my primary education.
Why am I writing about this? I want you, who have gone through or are going through similar experiences of bullying to know that you are not alone. It will end. You do not have to let the negative effects of this bring you down for the rest of your life. Take courage. Talk to someone you trust. When the time is right, work on forgiving those who did this to you. But give yourself grace and time for this. It is no easy thing. Until you take these steps, it will have a huge hold on your life and it’s not worth it. There are people out there who love you and who are worth your time.
A mental health professional several years ago after hearing what I had been through as a child, kept probing trying to find my huge emotional scars. She wouldn’t believe that they weren’t there. While I know I have some, likely, my anxiety attacks that manifest now are partially a result of this, I feel like I dealt with what happened a long time ago. There’s no need for me to be continually harrowed up by experiences that happened 30 years ago. I’ve acknowledged to myself and others that it happened. I’ve forgiven the people involved and moved past it. It doesn’t need to define me. But it has helped shape me and how I view the world.
I think I perhaps have more compassion and patience for the differences of others than I would have if I hadn’t experienced bullying. It helped me figure out who I am and what I want out of life. This experience taught me positively and negatively to not depend on others. Rather than risk rejection I can be fine on my own. To me, this can be a real asset. I know this about myself though and at various times in my life, I’ve gone out of my way to make myself go out of my comfort zone and risk rejection and failure because I don’t want this experience to define me. It will not define me.
Things WILL get better with time and healing.
From A Friend, who has been there…
For a video version of this, visit me on YouTube Bullying Will Not Define Me.
