We all want a Hallmark movie ending. Sometimes though, it’s not in the cards.
Days before Christmas Day 2021 my last grandparent died. It was my maternal grandmother. The weekend before, I had tried to go and see her as we knew she wasn’t going to last much longer. I bought the plane tickets and reserved a car.
But I was given the message she was refusing to see me and if I showed up at the nursing home I would be turned away.
To my knowledge, I’d never done anything that would warrant this. I felt hurt and conflicted. I wanted the chance to say goodbye and this would be my only chance. Grandma was leaving instructions that there was to be no funeral, no graveside service. No gathering of any kind.
The truth is, my grandma was difficult in many ways. Many of my siblings have had no relationship at all with her because she couldn’t be bothered to have a relationship with them and show up. Some only saw her once, at our brother’s funeral. As the oldest grandchild, I had more of a relationship with her than most. But even for me, she couldn’t be bothered to show up for my wedding.
There are good memories too.
When I was a little girl, it was my grandma who showed me the world of books. She and her husband had previously owned a used book store that closed, and many of the books found a home in their home. Every wall in their house was lined with books. Every time Grandma came to visit she brought boxes of books. I was a struggling reader. She shared Nancy Drew books with me and I was hooked for life. Nancy Drew was eventually followed by Agatha Christie and then I moved on to biographies.
To this day, one of my greatest joys is a good book. It brings me so much happiness. Reading has opened new avenues and ways of thinking, helped me dream and move forward in life, and escape for a few hours when life becomes too much. It’s one of the greatest gifts she gave me.
I didn’t get a Hallmark movie ending with my grandmother.
A lot of times with family we don’t.
So what do we do when that happens?
We take the time to mourn the relationship that never was and then recognize the good things that the relationship brought us. Even in the worst ones, there’s something. My grandmother’s refusal to see me? It reemphasized how I did not want to be a grandmother like her should I ever become one. It made me hold my kids closer.
I’m grateful for that reminder even if …
I didn’t get the closure I wanted.
Our relationship was strained.
I was left fumbling around with grief I didn’t know what to do with.
