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Entering the World of Beauty Pageants

Last year my daughter came to me and said she decided she wanted to get more involved in school and do more than just dance team. She wanted to participate in the school’s beauty pageant.

This caught me totally by surprise. A beauty pageant?!!!???

I’ve long held the idea that my daughter could have modeled throughout her childhood. She’s beautiful and I’ve had plenty of people confirm that. But while I have flirted with the idea, I’ve also shied away from it and the larger beauty industry.

Beauty pageants to me, demonstrate some of the worst ideas of our society: Let’s judge people on their beauty or lack thereof and even rank them so that they know they don’t measure up. Even more, let’s show them that beauty only exists with this one style or look. This is something I have fought against my entire life. Why would I want my daughter to go up on a stage and be exposed to that kind of judgment?

I agreed to let her do the beauty pageant with misgivings. And when I found out more about the beauty pageant, my misgivings increased. They would be judged on their looks only, as they walked across the stage and posed for the judges, their accomplishments were read off. There was no talent competition where a girl could at least show off what she was good at. There were no questions where a girl could show off her intellect. Looks and their ability to walk across the stage in a fancy dress and heels was what it came down to.

I went to the pageant night with trepidation. I worried about what my daughter’s feelings would be when it was all over. She’s VERY competitive.

Was it all bad? No.

I was proud of the courage she had to even do this in the first place. I was stunned at the beautiful self-confidence and self-possession my daughter had as she walked across the stage. But even better than that? She was proud of herself and had fun. I was proud of her for not being afraid to try something new and being willing to stand up in front of people and be judged.

Did it change my ideas of the world beauty pageants? Not really.

But it was an experience I don’t regret for either of us. And it’s a good thing, as she’s going to do it again this year.

Will It Be My Fault?

I sometimes think back to the early years of my kids lives. They were born in 2006 and 2007. Until 2015 I dealt with debilitating back pain. In 2013 I had my first back surgery which didn’t work. In 2015 I had my second surgery and almost 8 years later I’m still doing well.

But those early years meant a lot of mom laying on the couch or bed, trips to doctors, emergency rooms, and chiropractors. When we were preparing for my second surgery my daughter was terrified what would happen to her and her brother. She remembered that after the first surgery I couldn’t do much. Who was going to take care of them? Who was going to feed them?

As I remembered this today, it struck me that my husband and my roles are reversed now. He is frequently in hospital, or at doctors when I can drag him there (men!)., in bed and not feeling well. Now they worry about him.

Who is going to be there for them when he cannot?

Parents are central to a child’s survival and psyche. It is from them a lot of our self talk comes from. It is from them often we learn to rely a lot on others or be very independent.

I worry that because of all the physical pain I was dealing with, which in turn greatly affected my mental health, I was not enough. Add to that dealing with other people in the family’s mental health and the strain it put on me.

Did I raise children who will sit on a therapist’s couch one day because their mother ruined them? Because she wasn’t emotionally or physically available?

As they are teenagers now, I wonder through these years of their hating me one minute and breaking down to tell you they love you the next. Did I fill their needs? They were fed and clothed.

Will My Kids Say I Was Enough?

“Did I fill their needs? They were fed and clothed.

Did they know they were loved? I tried to spend quality time with them.

Was it enough?”

You Never Thought You’d Deal With Truancy

“Having a special needs child often means that our kids miss a lot of school. So to prevent entanglements with the truancy officer, learn from my experiences and make sure you get every single doctor’s note turned in.”
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To Ban or Not To Ban, That is the Question

“Reading widely taught me several things. To name just a few, it taught me the value of learning about other people’s perspectives. This has changed my mind and helped me to better understand situations on more occasions than I can count.
It taught me how to curate my own reading. There are only so many hours in a day. Which books am I going to read? Was I going to waste my time on books that weren’t worth my time? Both of those were extremely valuable lessons.”
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The Need For Advocating Never Dies

“Being in school, a worldwide pandemic, moving to a new state. All of these things I could use as an excuse for missing in action in the advocating arena for the past year or so. But we all know, that the need to advocate for our selves, our child, our family member, doesn’t go away in spite of life changes. It would be nice if it could hold off for a bit when things get crazy, but it doesn’t. In the midst of our latest struggle, a dear friend reminded me of my responsibility to raise awareness of how to find help and resources to help others. Something I have dedicated my life to over the past 10 years since our son’s autism diagnosis.”
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A Different Way of Celebrating A Birthday

“Take your child’s great loves and interests, turn them into a day they will never forget. Birthdays don’t have to be expensive and huge. They should be about making memories and celebrating the life of that special person.”
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Why We Say No To Slumber Parties

I had a unique slumber party when I was probably 10 or 11, compared to a lot of other slumber parties. My family owned a small motel. I was able to invite about 10 girls over for a slumber party in one of our motel rooms, sans chaperones. We spent the night binging on tv and snacks and at one point after midnight, snuck out down the street for a bit. If my parents only knew. . .

But not all slumber parties are fun.

Not all slumber parties end well.

I overheard girls talking about me and others when they thought I was asleep. It wasn’t kind.

Generally, it has been our practice not to allow our kids to have, or participate in sleepovers.

My number one reason?

I was going to say-

Because kids are a complete mess the next morning from not sleeping the night before. I’m all for my kids having fun and spending time with friends. Dealing with the aftermath of not enough sleep.

But the real reason is safety.

Graffiti on a wall with a picture of a girl and the words rescue me — Image by Eduardo Davad from Pixabay

Did you know that most children who are trafficked in the U.S. are trafficked not by a stranger but by a family member or someone they know?

At slumber parties things get tried for the first time- pills, alcohol, smoking, touching, and experimenting.

My kids will make choices.

But I want to make sure that they are old enough to understand the choices and the consequences they are making. I don’t think it’s fair to make them deal with circumstances they aren’t ready to deal with.

Am I sheltering my children?

Maybe.

But I also know that the longer they go without smoking, the less likely it is they will ever smoke.

The longer they go without drinking, doing drugs, the less likely this is going to be a problem for them. Not that they won’t ever try them, because they might. But the longer it is that they don’t, the better.

My children are totally capable of making mistakes and do frequently. So do I for that matter.

Giving them the time to figure out how they feel about things, to learn the information for themselves, and give them a chance to see others making mistakes is priceless. So I’m going to keep sheltering my children for a little while longer while giving them freedoms to choose that I feel are appropriate.

Writing When I don’t Want To Write

“Here I present a post about what happens when I don’t want to write and ramble on forever. It’s from a couple of years ago. But this is the perfect example of what goes on in my head.”
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