I’ve been feeling like a failure lately.
My anxiety has been going full force. I’ve taken several steps backward with my mental health. And I keep asking myself why I can’t just pull myself out of it. A failure.
Why do I feel so paralyzed that I can’t do the things on my list?
Why can’t I just ignore the feeling of the room spinning and continue on with what I need to do?
Why do I feel so bone weary all the time?
Why are my eyes a hurting so bad I nearly throw up?
I should be able to snap out of this. A failure.
This shouldn’t be me. I should be doing better than this. I took the month of July off school so that I could get all the things done before resuming school in August. Instead? I’ve done an impressive amount of reading. And sleeping. And being curled in a fetal position on my bed wishing it would all just go away.
I feel like because this is my life is right now, I’m not good enough for my husband, my kids, my friends, or God. They deserve better than me. Someone who has more energy. Someone who has more stick-to-it-ness. Someone who can zip through all those phone calls that need to be made to insurance, doctors, therapists, and pharmacies in no time.
It’s during times like right now I have to give myself grace.
I must back up and recognize that the eye pain, the room whirling, they are all messages from my body that it needs to be re-centered. That it isn’t coping right now. I need to remember we are still in the middle of a pandemic.
I HAVE survived the last almost 5 months of having my children home 24/7 without friends and trips to normal every day things that would happen during the summer if we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic. And that is with having a child who has difficult needs.
This was written about a month and a half ago. I was really struggling. Changes to my medication and making sure I went outside every day have made a difference. I’m still dealing with eye pain and some migraines but that is also partially due to allergies. There is little about our world that we recognize. Even as we return to some of the activities from pre-2020, we are socially distanced, we are wearing masks. This isn’t easy. Check in on your mental health. Go outside even if you don’t want to. Check in with your doctor if you need to. Let’s all make it to 2021.
