I’ve been struggling lately with finding my words for my Thursday posts on disabilites, special needs or mental health.
I’ve been feeling like a fraud lately.
Let me explain.
For the past 18 or so years I have been basically living in a chronic state of trauma. Here’s a few reasons:
- My husband’s two tours duty in a war zone.
- Chronic, severe back pain led to 2 back surgeries.
- Dealing with the emotional and physical toll of learning I have a child with special needs.
- Dealing with the day to day issues and the many years of finding out my child had even more medical needs, including his being in and out of the hospital for many issues.
- Dealing with school districts or individual schools who fought me in my quest to get basic educational rights for my child.
- My own mental health, dealing with anxiety and depression.
These are just some of the issues that have been long and crushing, leading to trauma.
Fast forward.
Dealing with a worldwide pandemic wasn’t easy for anyone. But compared to many others, our experience was easy. My husband didn’t lose his job. We didn’t lose our home. None of us got COVID. While our lives changed, and that wasn’t easy, we were blessed. Add to that, my son has been doing extraordinarily well. He hasn’t been this stable since I don’t know when. No new doctors, treatments or therapies to report.
And so I sit here, trying to understand that because my life is not filled with trauma causing events, and has really calmed down in a lot of ways, that it makes me feel like a fraud. As mental health is my chosen field to study and eventually work in… This makes me want to dig into this further.
Have I tied my identity up with being someone who is a mother of a child of special needs? A women who experiences mental health issues and has dealt with chronic pain?
I don’t have the answer for this. But it’s something I’m exploring and trying to figure out. Maybe I’m just so used to putting out fires, I can’t function anymore without one.
Just know that if there isn’t a post up on Thursdays, that this is why, and I’m working through it.
