I have always known there is a huge issue for families who are trying to care for those with disabilities and other special needs. Starting back to work has brought it to the forefront of my consciousness again.
The first story I’ll tell you is that of a single mom. She recently discovered that her daughter had serious medical issues. All of her sick leave and vacation now go to time off for medical appointments. She has enough for this year, but next year, she will likely burn through that quickly. Vacations will now be a thing of the past while she desperately tries to balance working, being a mom, and the care of her sick child. She is lucky. She has worked with the company she works for, for over a year and therefore is eligible for the government program of FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act). This act protects her job and ensures she gets time off- though unpaid, to care for her child.
The next story is that of another single mother who discovered that her child has serious, life-threatening needs. She spends her time off at St. Jude’s children’s hospital taking her daughter to appointments. She has no time off left to take for the year. She has not worked at her job for a year, and therefore does not qualify for FMLA. She is in constant danger of losing her job.
This is just one dimension of their stories. Add dimensions like intersectionality and the story gets grimmer. One of the women is Black. She started off at a lower socio-economic place than the white woman, who is college educated and the Black woman is not. This causes her to bring home a much smaller check then her White counterpart. Which puts her and her child at a much higher risk for homelessness, disease, and even death.
These are real life examples. These are the realities of thousands of families living across the U.S. Often people make assumptions, thinking:
“She shouldn’t have had sex while not married.”
“She is being irresponsible to even have a child.”
“She just needs to work harder.”
“Where is their family? They should be helping!”
But the truth is, you don’t know. These women could have had an abusive spouse, or one that died. Neither of them did anything to make their child seriously ill. And while the Black single mom is most at risk for homelessness and other issues, the truth is they are both at risk.
Medical bills can wipe out even the healthiest bank account quickly.
The stress of medical issues within a family? They can fracture it.
Trying to work and keep everything together while dealing with it all can make even the strongest drown.
I’m blessed. Since I went back to work my husband has been able to take on some of the appointments. If I didn’t have him? I wouldn’t have lasted 3 months in my job because of the time off I would have needed. And that is with our son being fairly stable right now.
So what is a parent supposed to do?
We need to work to support our families. To keep them fed, sheltered and warm.
From my position as a mom of a special needs child, and someone who now sits in a Human Resources office, here are my suggestions:
As with everything in our lives, be strategic.
Looking for a new job?
Weigh your options. Starting a new job at a new company with a good understanding boss can make a difference, but you also need to weigh the fact that for the next year, you will not be covered by FMLA. What are their leave policies? What are their benefits?
Negotiate an extra week of vacation when you are offered the job. Starting the beginning of the year with extra vacation gives you more opportunities for Dr. appointment coverage. And news flash- most businesses consider an extra week of vacation to cost them nothing. Maybe you might even get enough for a mental health day at the end of the year. Heaven knows we need it.
Should you be honest when you are interviewing for a new job? Across the board, hiring managers that I have talked to have said yes. They don’t need to know all the gory details. But knowing that there are going to be days you aren’t going to be able to report to work due to medical issues within your family gives them an opportunity to make a plan for when you will be absent rather than having it sprung on them all the time. Exercise caution in disclosing. Be vague. You are going to run across hiring managers who will not want to hire you because of your situation. But honestly? Do you really want to work for a person like that?
Even better, when you tell them about your situation? Have an example of a plan ready as to how you can work around your absent time to make it less of a burden to the company as possible.
Across the board, people with college degrees are more likely to be in jobs that are more flexible. Salary rather than hourly jobs generally are expected to be more flexible.
But if you don’t have a college degree, don’t despair. The COVID-19 epidemic has been a HUGE boon to the families who struggle to work and care for their special family members. A job where you can work from home is much easier to find than ever before. Watch that job market. This is often our best bet for being able to balance all of it. Jobs like Uber eats also make it possible to bring your child with you.
My last tip? Be honest with your family, community, and church communities. Ask for help. There are people there who want to help but don’t know how. Be specific and be strategic. One of the things I had to do recently was ask a member of my church congregation to take my kids to their orthodontist appointment as my husband was out of town. This wasn’t an appointment I had to be at. Someone else could fill that need for us.
This is HARD. There’s no way around it. But together, we can make it work.
