I was at a playgroup for mother’s of my church recently. I used to go to playgroups all the time when my children were young, but now they’re at school every day. The playgroup was just a block down the street from my house at a local park so I walked down the hill to say hello.
In the course of the conversation we, of course, solved all the world’s problems. Something that was brought up that day in our conversation I wanted to bring up here. Young Mothers this is for you. I don’t have tons of professional training (I do have some), but I have a whole lot of real-life training and experience with handling children. My credentials- I’m the oldest of 11 children, I taught at a combo Preschool/Daycare (professional training was required), I was a Nanny for children ranging from 0-15 years for 9 years, and now I have 2 of my own.
Something that has been bothering me lately is this push that babies should never be left to cry. I’m seeing articles everywhere that we will damage our babies’ psyche if we don’t pick them up immediately upon their crying. That the babies will think they aren’t loved and will suffer throughout their life, seems to be the going theory.
There is medical evidence of this happening being true, but it is with kids in orphanages that NEVER get held. They NEVER get their needs met in a timely fashion. They develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) and it is an extremely awful situation. But these are extreme cases.
One of the Mom’s in this playgroup talked about how she had checked on her baby before getting in the shower, she was sound asleep, she checked on her again before she put her conditioner in her hair, and immediately after she put the conditioner in her hair the baby starting crying. The Mom called her Husband in tears saying that she was a terrible Mother. Luckily, her Husband didn’t agree with her and she understands that taking a shower and your baby crying for a few minutes is not going to make you a bad mother or ruin your baby.
We have to balance maternal health with the health of the baby. Because a healthy Mom means a much healthier baby. It isn’t healthy to expect a mother to always carry or wear her baby. It isn’t healthy for the Mom never to shower. Not giving Mom’s a break to care for themselves can cause real danger to themselves and their baby. Shaken Baby Syndrome is a real thing and happens when Mom’s don’t get a break.
My son positively hated the car when he was an infant. When he was 4 months old, we went to my brother’s wedding and I had to drive there from the airport (about a two-hours) without my husband. It was a miserable two hours for both of us. I did everything I could think of to make it better for him. I stopped frequently to get him out of the car and calmed down. But I wasn’t going to miss my brother’s wedding because my baby hated the car.
Mom’s out there of young children- The job you are doing is hard. Anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t know what they are talking about. Take care of you. It’s okay to take a nap, a shower, a meal without holding the baby. You’re are not going to damage that sweet babe by letting her cry for a couple minutes. Our parents survived it, and so did you. So don’t listen to the people who say that you can’t. You can. And your baby will be as perfect as ever.
In humans, studies of brain function during crying do not exist.
https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/health-concerns/fussy-baby/science-excessive-crying-harmful for the references of this article.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moral-landscapes/201112/dangers-crying-it-out C
