An Ordinary Mom's Musings

Last year, I was writing about what a wonderful healthy place I was in with my mental health. I still remember the joy of it and feeling like I had really found myself.

This year has brought amazing blessings. Many of which I have prayed for years for. But it has also brought a difficult struggle with my mental health.

It started with a doctor refusing to refill a prescription during the month before we moved which caused me to be off of it for a couple months and brought on anxiety and a little depression. I was able to see a new doctor and get a new prescription for my medication. As soon as it got up to the proper levels, anxiety subsided. But depression suddenly hit harder than ever before and I couldn’t figure out why.

I hadn’t been taking iron since we had moved and thought that that could be part of the problem. We ran some bloodwork and discovered both my iron and vitamin D levels were really low.

I started feeling better but my levels aren’t what they should be yet. I have a good day and then I crash the next. But that’s better than being curled up in bed in the fetal position watching tv and wondering what is going on. Why did I have no energy, listless, and no interest in life every day? Family came to visit during this time for a few days and I was utterly exhausted by the time they left. Not because we were doing anything super physical, but because my mental health couldn’t handle having people around constantly. (Thank goodness that my children are in school!)

This is the issue with chronic mental health issues. This time it was caused by vitamin and medication issues. But once you have a chronic health issue, recovery is almost never in a straight line. If you were to draw a line of the progression, it would much more likely look like a jumbled ball of yarn. Something your cat has had a grand time playing with.

My writing has really suffered during this time. I was hoping as I’m not currently in school I could spend this time taking off, getting projects done that have been waiting for some free time. Instead I found myself not trusting my voice through my writing. Suddenly “knowing” that absolutely everything I write is crap. That I should stop writing because who wants to hear from such a lousy writer. This is what anxiety and depression do to your head, your psyche. It’s not pretty.

Normally anxiety is my main issue, depression has had the upper hand lately which then in turn triggered my anxiety. It goes round and round triggering each other and making things worse unless you can stop the spiral. I’m putting in the work. Taking my medication and vitamins, trying to get outside more. It isn’t a quick process. But I’m holding on to the hope and joy that I knew last year, knowing that it can come again.

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