My son is in his 13th year.
For a lot of people, their 13th year is a big deal. It means that their child has graduated into the teenage years. Sometimes big parties and celebrations are planned.
The number 13 has always been my favorite number. Some people consider it to be a bad number. I never have. I like to be different like that.
The 13th year means something else to me now.
My son is named after his uncle, my brother. He was the sun in my life. He made everything brighter. Red-haired, blue-eyed little boys are my absolute favorite because of him. They make me catch my breath. The reason my son is named after that particular uncle is that he died. He died by drowning at the age of 13.
13 this year has taken on new meaning for me.
Most of the time I don’t think about the age that my brother was when he died. But in the back of my mind, this year, there is this niggling thought. My son is the same age as his uncle was when he died.
Will my son see his 14th year, unlike his uncle? I find myself holding my breath.
June 13th, when my son turns 14, I will breathe easier. He will have crossed a mental threshold that exists nowhere else but in my mind. I never realized that this would be an issue. It seems silly that it is. But this is what grief and trauma do. It pops up, makes us pay attention when we least expect it. Not making logical sense in many ways. I know that these are my feelings and I acknowledge them. But they aren’t going to overtake me. However, I may take my son swimming a little less this year. . .
I am sorry to hear of your loss. No matter the age; it sticks with you. I agree with holding the breath until the birthday arrives. I have to be honest; the loss of both of my brothers has made me hold my breath until either I have made it to the age where they passed and well; trying not to think that every little last pain is a symptom of what they passed from. (I still have a while till I have to hold my breath again) The 13th of June…what a great day!! Not only was your sonshine born on that day…but he shares a birthday with a super special person in my world as well…my mom. Although she is no longer with me and I miss her daily; I will have another great reason to celebrate (maybe with cake too) your sonshine!!!! From Miles apart ….I will remember. Don’t hold your breath for to long; you just might faint. hahahahahaha…May your 13 year …may you remember all of the great things of your brother; may your sonshine do things that would have been something your brother would have done. May it be a memory making year ☺☺
Thank you for your kind words. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Hi dear friend. Thank you for yet another heartfelt post; I love sharing your journey. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your brother at such a young age but what a beautiful honor that you named your son after him. I cannot imagine the trauma you went through but I hope you find faith and peace to enjoy this 13th year with your son! And remember, you’ve got people out here praying for you!
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. I really appreciate them.