“My life isn’t perfect and is definitely not what others would view as success.
But I view it as pretty darn successful because I’m happy.”
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Dreams
I Have A Dream
In 2018 I took hold of my dream of finishing school and becoming a therapist, despite my not being sure of being able to pull it off. In 2021 I graduated with my Bachelors in Psychology and started my Masters in Social Work. Now I’m currently working on my first of two internships.
As time as gone on and my knowledge has grown, this vision of becoming a mental health therapist, this dream, has continued to grow.
I have a dream of owning my own therapy practice.
But that is only the beginning. I dream of working with a psychiatrist who uses alternative forms of healing as well as psychiatric medication. I want a massage therapist and a acupuncturist on staff. I have found a huge benefit in those forms of treatment both in my physical and mental health and I believe they could be an important part of healing for many people.
I don’t want to be in a strip mall in a nondescript building. I want a small building in the middle of trees surrounded by a therapy garden. Somewhere where clients can go to heal and meditate and find peace. Where they can work in the ground and watch things grow. Where the things that grow there can feed their bodies and souls. A place where yoga classes can take place on a grassy knoll. A big gazebo where group therapy sessions can be held. To help support the garden, it could be a place for small baby showers, weddings, bridal showers, garden and book clubs when it isn’t in use by the clinic.
I want healing to happen. Strength and resilience to build. A place where everyone feels safe, welcome, and accepted.
It started with a small dream of becoming a therapist. And it keeps growing.
I can do hard things
Tonight when the demons in my head want to take over, I’m reminding myself that I am amazing and I have accomplished things that I dreamt about for years.
I graduated college. I have a BA in psychology. Other people had that. Not me. But now I do.
I’m getting my Master’s degree in Social Work.
I am a published writer.
Yes, my brain and other people are tearing me down and screaming at me that I can’t do anything right.
But the evidence?
The evidence is that I have survived 16 years of special needs parenting. And that is an accomplishment.
I survived 19 years of being a military spouse. Not everyone does that.
I crawled my way though years of severe back pain and 2 surgeries. And I came out the other side.
Anxiety, depression, people who don’t like me and think I’m worthless?
You won’t win.
I will get back up.
I will NOT give up.
I might have to stop and regroup. Give myself breathing room and take my meds.
That doesn’t mean I’m weak or incapable.
It means I am smart enough to recognize when I need help. I’m strong enough to get back up. My brain and the naysayers don’t get to win.
Because I am enough!
My Greatest Hope and My Greatest Fear
“Two and one half years.
That’s the amount of time I have left until my son turns 18. Every time I think about it, terror grips my heart.”
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God Knows I Have A Lot To Learn
“HR wasn’t anything I was looking to get into, and I definitely wasn’t looking at manufacturing for a job. But every job that would have been perfect for me, that I could bring a lot of skills and knowledge to the job, or that would help in my continuing education? None of them worked out.
Instead, God brought me into a factory.”
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Physics Changed My Perspective Of My World
“Do you have dreams waiting?
It’s time. They are ready for you to reach out and grasp them with both hands. That mountain that looks like Everest is high. But it’s not quite as high as you think. It’s possible!”
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I Waited 20 Years- I Can Wait A Few More
For 20 years it was my dream to buy a house. When my husband heard me, he said, “Wait, we haven’t even been married 20 years yet.” Not all dreams start at the same time.
In September of 2019, that dream finally came true. And what a house!
Enter my children on the scene- “I have to have a bookcase, a desk, a x,y and z for my room or it’s not ‘done’.” “We have to have a pool in the backyard!” And any number of other things. they feel gipped. Happily ever after didn’t come with accessories.
What my children haven’t learned is that sometimes waiting is a good thing.
I waited for 20 years for my own home, and darn it, if I can wait 20 years for that, I can wait 6 months or a year for the dining room table to go in our empty dining room. Or the recliners we want/need for our living room. It’s not like we don’t have a table and chairs- We do, a 4 person set in the kitchen that works great for us as long as we don’t have any company. Our living room has my beautiful couch I had recovered that I’m in love with. Which works great for us as long as we don’t have any company over. (Seeing a pattern here? The guest room also needs a guest bed. . .)
But, in not insisting that I have everything right now, I’m gaining things I wouldn’t otherwise.
I’m teaching my children how it’s important to work and wait for things. In a society where we can’t even wait for our tv shows- we have to have the whole season to binge watch, I think it’s important to purposely teach our kids that it’s okay to not have everything, and that it can take time to earn the things we need and want.
My children are learning that it’s important to pay our bills first, and then we can look at things we want. Taking stock of everyone’s needs and wants, finding a time and place for them. My daughter informed me that she didn’t know what she was going to do for a job when she grows up but it’s going to be something that makes a LOT of 💲. 😂 This way she could have everything she needs and most of what she wants.
I’m no interior designer. But I want to be careful. My house doesn’t need to, and shouldn’t look like a museum. But I want to be purposeful in my color choices, and the things I change and bring into my home. Because I’m taking time acquiring things, I can find just the right piece to fit in my home to create the right atmosphere. I’m not picking out the first thing I see. I’m taking my time and picking things out with purpose. Always keeping in mind that I want it to be a place where we, and others feel at home and at peace. A lot of thought is going into this.
In some cases we are making things we need and that takes time. A few years ago my husband made me stunning book cases for our many books. (We could use a few more.) Our current plan is that he will make my dining table. Judging from the other pieces he has made me it will be better built than most furniture you can buy in the store, stunning, and have special meaning. This teaches my children to value quality over quantity. It just has to fit in between his work schedule, the National Guard, and redoing all of our closets.
This is not to say that I don’t get impatient. That I don’t want things to be perfectly put together and done. But part of the joy in this process is the process. I’m in no rush to finish something I have waited so long for.
And I can wait.
Middle Aged? I Still See Myself As 20- But There’s a Mirror
“But what I have that my 20-year-old self didn’t have?
I know who I am. I did when I was 20 too. But that person who I was at 20 has been tested and tried in some brutal fires of life. It changed me as life always does. I know who I am with new confidence born of going to the bedrock of my beliefs and finding the foundation to build the rest of my life on.”
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A Special Needs Parent’s IEP
“. . .what I had essentially done was to write my own IEP for school. These were all things I was working on that will help me succeed.”
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Favorite Things- Music
“One of the things that has soothed my soul, given me life, and a way to communicate is music. Music has a power that can’t easily be translated into words. That’s why we have music, so it can speak the language of the soul that mere words can’t. And if I remember to turn it on, it can save me from completely loosing it on my children.”
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