“If you can’t laugh, you’ll cry. So you might as well laugh!”
Travel
And Then There Was 40…
Today is the day. The day that in my younger mind I would never really reach because I would always be young. 40 was old.
Now part of me thinks, “There is no way I could be 40! I don’t feel any older than my teenage self.” But the other half of me says loudly enough so that I can’t ignore it as it creaks and cries, “Oh but you are! You are probably actually older than that.” My children who are fast approaching their teenage years also tell a different story.
My life at this point is likely mostly half over. People are living longer all the time but when you’re 80 you know that life is fast running out. So I have now officially reached middle age. I’d say it was time for my middle age crisis, but I’m already in the middle of that.
Turning 40 makes you stop, think, and wonder. Has my life been valuable? Have I made a difference in the lives of others? Have I done with it the things I wanted and hoped to do, or if my vision of my life has changed am I living it? Half my life is done. What do I have to show for it?
I always wanted to be a wife. I accomplished that 15 years ago and in spite of better or worse, we are still hanging in there. We often joke that if we didn’t have bad luck we wouldn’t have any luck at all.
I always wanted to be a mother, and I have become one. I think it is the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. I would say it was the most rewarding but I’m at a really difficult stage of my motherhood right now. I’m sure that I will feel that way again. Right now I’m merely surviving and praying that I don’t do something that really messes up my kids right now.
As a child, some of my dreams were to be a writer, and a singer, visit Switzerland, Ireland, and Scotland. I haven’t made it to Switzerland yet. But I am a published writer, I have recorded an album (which is hidden somewhere in all my collection of life…), and I made it to Scotland and Ireland. I think that is pretty good at my midway point through life accomplishing so many things that you wanted to do as a young girl.
I remember when I got married, I went through a time of introspection. I knew who Calleen Lyman was. But who was Calleen Petersen? For a year or so, that thought flittered around in my head. Who was this new person with a new name and a new status? That’s sort of where I am now. Who is this person who now claims 40 years? What does she want?
I want to keep writing. I am finding my voice as I do so and I can feel it growing stronger the more I write. I have something to say and I want to be able to say it. To share it so others will understand.
I want to find my inner peace and strength that I so often forget along the way of life. God is in control. I don’t have to worry about it. (At least not that much…)
I want to be a homeowner. We have moved around a bit throughout our married life and we have never taken that leap. It’s an important leap to me and in the next 40 years, I hope to accomplish it.
I want to see more of the world. I want to check off Switzerland off my list. I’ve added Germany and Israel to the list and there is so much more of the world I would love to see and experience. The older I get the more I realize that many times there is more than one right way of doing things and perspectives I haven’t understood. Spending time among people and places that are foreign to you helps broaden that perspective.
One day, I want to live. That’s a weird statement. But it’s true. Too often it has been all I could do to just survive the day, the hour, the situation. I want to live and enjoy life. I want to make memories along the way as I go.
Due to the nature of our situation, my birthday will be a quiet affair. My husband is out-of-town for work, my son has been going through a difficult time and just got out of the hospital. No big grand parties or exciting times for me. Maybe in another 10 years when I reach 50.
Pushing Acrophobia Boundaries
While on a mini vacation this summer we visited Olympia National Forest and went up to Hurricane Ridge. 
It’s really high up and D has a HUGE fear of heights (Acrophobia). I have some sympathy as I am not hugely comfortable with them myself. We could have let him dictate where we go and what we did. It did to some degree as we didn’t make the 5-mile trek to the Dungeness Lighthouse that we wanted to see earlier in the day as he just can’t handle that much walking.
We have to find balance, so it was no to hiking and yes to pushing the fear of heights. We know that heights terrify him so we didn’t push him too much. From the moment he got out of the car he was hesitant to move anywhere but we wanted him to go into the Ranger Station with us. After touring the station I asked him to come outside for just a minute and take a look.
He did it! This is after he took his look. He’s hugging the side of the building, but he did it!
If we let it, Autism, Acrophobia, and all his accompanying issues could completely control our lives. And to be honest, sometimes it does. But we will keep pushing the envelope, trying to make him feel more secure in a world that makes him feel anything but secure.
Unexpected Gifts on Vacation
This summer our family was on vacation and due to a lot of reasons (sickness and allergies being chief) it was a difficult vacation. What I didn’t expect though were some unusual but great experiences we had on our vacation.
First, I had the opportunity to meet with a Mom who was struggling to find supports in her area. I don’t think I helped much as I don’t live in the area and could only offer general information, but I hopefully helped her find people who can help. This was good for me as it reminded me of why I do what I do. I remember starting this journey of Special Needs and not having any answers that I needed. I didn’t know where to find supports or how to find them. I swore to myself at that time I would do everything I could to keep other parents from that situation. This experience also gave me a chance to reflect on and say a prayer for all those who have helped me on my journey. I really appreciated that, and I enjoyed making a new friend.
Next, we were visiting some cousins and a 13-year-old with Autism kept coming by to visit. He is pretty severely impacted with Autism and kept escaping from his parent’s home. It filled me with so much joy to see how kindly these cousins interacted with him. If I could clone them and populate the world with them I would, because our kids need people like them who see their beauty and worth and treat them accordingly.
The third experience was meeting up with one of my husband’s best friends from High School. They, like us, have one boy and one girl with the boy having autism. We’ve known many children with autism and while D has enjoyed playing with them I have never seen him connect with another child the way he did with this young man. After dinner, the boys rode in our car back to Grandma’s while the girls rode in the other car. Listening to the two boys in the back of the car nearly brought me to tears! They understood each other on a level no one has understood D before. They “scripted” together (reciting movies line for line), enjoying every minute. 
D told him of what he someday dreams of doing and the young man thought his plans were awesome. I could kick myself for not having spent more time with this family over the years. The girls had a great time too, but listening to those boys in the car was something I wasn’t sure D would ever find. That was truly special.
Vacations and getting out of our bubble can be really hard for families of Special Needs kids. But in spite of everything, it can also be really worth it.
A Reason I Advocate and Raise Awareness
While going through security in the Dublin Ireland airport there was a man checking passports and boarding passes who was in a wheelchair. What totally took me by surprise and made me so furious I couldn’t even speak was the couple ahead of me in line. When they got to the man in the wheelchair they both tried to go to the other agent rather than this man.
Traveling with a Child with Special Needs
As we prepare for the flight I have to be very careful what I promise. Once I promised he would be able to sit next to the window. BIG mistake. We happened to have seats in the only row without a window. No one, and I mean no one, heard the safety instructions on that flight due to the meltdown that ensued.
