An Ordinary Mom's Musings

Where are you at Today?

I haven’t sat down to write since COVID-19 shut down things around the country. I couldn’t. My soul had nothing there to share. And I was dealing with my own demons.

Anxiety

Depression

When we were first told we needed to shelter in place, rage was my first reaction. I could feel it rising up in me. I wanted to scream, hit something, jump up and down in anger, destroy something. Rage is not a feeling I’m used to feeling. It took me by surprise.

I took myself off of social media for a while. I knew if I wrote anything on my pages or in reply to someone else it was going to snarky and rude and likely start some verbal wars. I’m an adult. I knew better than to do that.

We’ve been at home for a month and a half. Only going out for groceries or a trip to the hardware store to work on household projects to keep us busy. No school, no church, and only my husband goes out to work.

I knew right from the beginning I needed to make sure I took my medication for anxiety and depression and my vitamins D and Iron, otherwise this was not going to be pretty.

In the beginning it was raining ALL THE TIME. It had been raining for months. We couldn’t even go out in the yard to get a break from the house. We’d sink several squishy inches. This did not help my feelings of rage.

For the first couple of weeks we slept late, we ate whenever we wanted and I could only handle making two meals a day. We didn’t need 3 did we? (A teenage boy and a husband profoundly disagreed.) My daughter and I took turns for time on the computer for school work but that was the most productive we were.

And then I started seeing posts about people doing new things, serving others. And I just couldn’t deal. I did not have the mental and therefore physical energy to invest. They didn’t mean I should be doing these things right now? As in today?

What we were all going through is a collective trauma.

Most of us in the US have been blessed to never have to live like this before. Our entire routines had changed, essential things were missing and unavailable, people were sick and dying.

Eventually it stopped raining and the sun came out. I’d been dying to get into my garden and explore the yard that we really hadn’t had a chance to. (It was WAY too hot when we moved in and then we went straight into rainy winter.) Getting sunburned while soaking in the sunshine- that was the first time in a long time I felt like my vitamin D levels were actually where they should be for me.

I felt on top of the world. I was able to adjust my mental vision to looking for the good things this situation was bringing. Because we weren’t spending money traveling everywhere, I had money for other things we needed/wanted. No more 5:30 am grumpy wake ups! I could change into my pajamas at any time of the day and not worry about someone stopping by. Heck, I could stay in my pajamas!

But then some days I crash back down. I would try desperately to accomplish things and nothing was working, those anxieties loomed SO much bigger. It was harder to just shake them off and sometimes I couldn’t. But I tried to give myself grace in the midst of this. Yesterday was one of those days.

We are hopefully (maybe??), coming out the other side of shelter in place. But there are still going to be lots of ups and downs along the way and some of the changes that we are now seeing will likely be permanent at least for a while. We can only worry about today.

So let’s check in. Where are you today?

Are you struggling to function and eating cupcakes and cinnamon bears for breakfast? (True story!) Step back and realize, IT’S OKAY!!! You can feel grumpy and sad and full of rage. We need to feel those feelings. It’s important that we do. Spend time recognizing those feelings and calling them what they are. Ask for help if you need it. I am here to listen. And then, on a day when you have a little bit more to give the world, drink that smoothie you had in the fridge that you were supposed to have when you were eating cupcakes.

Are you getting project after project done? Flying through the to-do list. Your yard is picture perfect and your floors couldn’t have been cleaner? Good for you!!! Just don’t expect everyone to accomplish that. But you should feel great about yourself! Today i submitted my last bit of schoolwork 36 hours early! It’s a good day!

The bottom line is that it doesn’t matter where you are. This is a new frontier for all of us and none of us know what we’re doing.

Be careful. We are going to see a spike in mental health issues in the immediate future. Please, please, please know that help IS available. You are loved and wanted in this world. Be easy on yourself and give yourself grace.