An Ordinary Mom's Musings

Recently, I heard someone say that “The root cause of anger is fear”. That made me sit up and ponder. I needed to think about this. That’s an interesting concept. Do I agree with that statement? As someone who is interested in Psychology, I wondered, was there research to back it up?
Scott A. Bonn Ph.D. states in an article from Psychology Today, dated July 17, 2017,

…”based on my experience as a criminologist, I have concluded that anger is not a primary emotion. Anger is a secondary emotion or reaction. I believe that fear is actually the root of all anger.”

He goes on to discuss how he has interviewed violent criminals and that from these interviews he has deduced that this violent anger is largely a result of huge underlying fears. Fear of abandonment, rejection, inadequacy, and failure were some of the examples he gave.

Leon F. Seltzer Ph.D. broadens the definition of the root cause of anger somewhat in another article from Psychology Today dated June 14, 2013.

“What I’d like to clarify in this post is that a good deal of our anger is motivated by a desire not to experience guilt—and beyond this, the distressing emotions of hurt and fear. It’s by now generally agreed upon that anger, as prevalent as it is in our species, is almost never a primary emotion. For underlying it (as fellow blogger Steven Stosny pointed out two decades ago) are such core hurts as feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, untrustworthy, devalued, reject-ed, powerless, and unlovable. “

As I read about this (for me), an interesting concept, what experts do seem to agree on is that anger is not a primary emotion. Something else lying beneath it is what is bringing the anger out. This answers one part of my question about this concept.

The other part of the question, I pondered. Do I agree with the statement that fear lies underneath all anger? Furthermore, if I did, what did that mean to me? Did it change the way I viewed things now?

To understand this I started mentally making a list in my head of things that can guarantee that I will get angry about-

• My children not obeying me.
• People saying bad things about my family.
• Feeling betrayed by someone I trusted.

These are just a few, but they are trigger points for me.

“My children not obeying me,” what do I think the underlying emotion would be if anger isn’t primary for this? As I examine this issue thoughtfully, I think that it’s not so much their act of disobedience as my concern for their welfare. Will they grow up to be good people? Will they have proper respect for authority? A lot of my requests to them have to do with their safety. Keeping them safe is one of my primary responsibilities. Does this all come from fear? It really looks like it.

“People saying bad things about my family.” I think that part of this is I don’t want anyone to hurt my family. I’m protective of them. I’m afraid of the hurt this will bring to them. In some cases, I might be afraid that those things they are saying are true and I don’t know how to face that. Or it’s a blatant lie and I have to stop it in its tracks. Fear? Yes, probably.

“Feeling betrayed by someone I trust.” This cuts us all to the quick. We’ve placed hard-earned trust in a person and they betrayed us. We don’t want to become trustless of everyone and alone. We have given them the ability to hurt us by placing that trust in them. We begin to fear others will do the same.

My analysis of the statement that “The root cause of anger is fear,” through research and personal evaluation leads me to believe that while it may not be the only root cause, it is definitely a strong factor in the reasons I get angry. Knowing this, I believe can help me keep my anger in check, and help me explore with my children how to better manage their anger.