An Ordinary Mom's Musings

Usually when we move, I’m very on top of things for our son. I have new doctors set up. I’ve filled out the paperwork for Medicaid. I’ve researched resources. Asked for records from the old doctors to have ready for the new ones.

But this time? This time I haven’t requested any records. I haven’t made all the appointments. I haven’t researched resources. And while I know it’s counter-productive, I’ve realized I’ve been adopting my son’s avoidance behaviors.

It’s been 13 years of dealing with a special needs child. Most of those 13 years have been years of very high needs.

Lately, I just want to ignore the tantrums. I want to ignore the fact that he’s wet himself again- let alone the bed, which happens every night. I just want to ignore not him, but all the “extra” that sometimes makes our lives so hard.

Is it sheer exhaustion? And if so, how do you get out of that state when it is there every day. Every hour. And then it starts affecting all the other areas of your life.

How do you keep going when it looks like this is going to be your forever? This is a question parents ask themselves when they have children with severe, complicated, special needs.

Some days we can rejoice at the step forward our child has made. And we do. But some days we have to give ourselves grace, realizing that what we are doing is HARD. And right now, I just want to avoid anymore hard. I need hard not to exist for a while. And I think that is where the ignoring, the procrastination, the indifference to it all is coming from. I’m human. This is my life. And it’s hard.