An Ordinary Mom's Musings

*Previously published online with Her View From Home.

I have two children. I have written elsewhere about how I have moved through my grief of only having two children. I wanted more, but that wasn’t what happened. What has caught me by surprise is my daughter’s grief over not having any more siblings.

I have one son, who is the eldest and then my daughter. My daughter has always wanted to be the oldest. She has wanted younger siblings to spoil, to boss around, and share her bedroom with. What she doesn’t realize is sharing your bedroom with a younger sibling isn’t always as fun as she thinks it will be.

Regardless, this girl has spent at least the last 5 years praying every night for a sibling. She has begged her father to let us adopt. Every chance she gets, she plays with babies.

Recently one of her good friends, who also only has a brother, got news that they were going to have a new baby. When my daughter heard this she was devastated. She was raging with green-eyed jealousy and wasn’t very nice to her friend. My daughter came home saying how her friend just wouldn’t stop talking about it and she just couldn’t take it.

This caught me off guard. I knew I had grief and unmet expectations due to this situation. I sometimes struggle when I see other Mother’s with newborn babies because I would like to have another one to cuddle. But I didn’t realize just how deeply she cared about this and that she would need to work through grief and jealousy too. I needed to guide her through this process that I had already spent a few years going through.

The first thing I did is hold her while she cried big tears of grief. I didn’t scold her for her treatment of her friend, I just let her talk and share her feelings with me. We talked about how she could protect her heart as her friend shares her joy over becoming a big sister again. Later, I actually tried “Googling” this situation to see if I could get any guidance, to see if any other parents had dealt with this issue. I couldn’t find anything about this specific situation.

There is however much on the subject of childhood grief. Dr. Alan Wolfelt (Ph.D.) brings up some pertinent points in his book Healing Grieving Child’s Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers. He was talking about a child experiencing grief over a death, but in my experience with grief is that grief is grief, and it doesn’t matter what you are grieving over, the process is still the same.

“I often refer to children as “forgotten mourners.” Why? Because though all children grieve when someone loved dies, we (as a society, as families, and often as individuals) don’t always encourage them to mourn. You can help the grieving child you love by encouraging her to mourn. You can be the person she feels “safe” to mourn in the presence of.”

This was exactly what I was experiencing with my daughter. No one had died, but she still had grief. She was still mourning.

“Kids mourn more through behaviors than words. Often grieving children don’t talk and talk about their feelings. Instead, they act them out.”

Her actions with her friend spoke volumes about how she was feeling. Dr, Wolfelt further brings up ways to help children grieve that I believe are applicable in this situation and in all situations where children are grieving.

• Acknowledge their grief. It is real.
• Embrace the pain of the loss. You can’t move through it until you do.
• Help them search for meaning and purpose. It’s okay not to have all the answers. Let them come to their own answers with your support.
• Receive ongoing support from caring adults.

She hasn’t finished going through the grieving process, but I’m hoping that as she does she finds purpose in all of this. I’m hoping that it helps her have a bigger heart for others grief. I’m sharing our story so that other parents will be able to find something when, or if they ever have to “Google” children experiencing grief for not having more siblings.

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