When we moved into our new home last year and unpacked all the things. . . Our daughter went through our collection of pictures to find ones to decorate her room. She now has some of my favorites of her as a child in a collage on her bedroom wall.
She also found one for her brother, with which he promptly took a thumbtack and hung it on his wall.
It was a picture they hadn’t seen before.
A month after our son was born my father-in-law died. The day after the funeral my mother-in-law wanted family pictures as everyone was in town. We dressed up (about 20 of us) and went to a local photography shop. After the group picture, my mother-in-law wanted individual family pictures as well. So a picture was taken of my husband and I and our tiny little babe.
Later when the photos came, I hid the one of just the three of us.
For my husband, it was a difficult memory of a time when he had just lost his father.
For me?
I thought I looked fat and ugly from pregnancy and I couldn’t stand looking at the picture. It made me cringe. It was hidden in the depths of a photo album never given a place of honor. Just stuffed in there with other random loose photos.
I unexpectedly came face to face with it 14 years later hanging in my son’s room. My first thought was, “NO!!!! Not that picture!”
But then I stopped and really looked at it.
The almost 14 years has done it’s number on me. I am just as plump in that picture as I am today.
But when I look at the picture now, I see a young family just starting out. Young, oh so young. Not having a clue of what would lay ahead of them. No more feelings of ugliness and self loathing. Just love for the two men in my life.
I also took a minute to view the picture through my son’s eyes. He sees his parents lovingly holding him. And what more could a babe ask for? To him he just sees his Mom. Someone he feels is beautiful. He doesn’t see the pounds gained since her 20’s, doesn’t see that I look puffy and swollen. He doesn’t see a Dad grieving for his own father.
I need to give myself grace, accept who I was, who I am, and appreciate the journey that brought me here.
